Baby Braden Petska

Who You'd Be Today...

2011-09-01T21:45:00.007-05:00

Dear B,
It's been awhile....too long actually. Today was a tough day for us. Today you would've spent your first day in kindergarten; I would've packed your bag; you would've ridden the bus; you would've made me a worry wart just like any other parent on this very day; you would've charmed your teacher with your smile, sweet voice, and laughter; you would've, you should've, you could've.....oh how these are the hardest words to speak. I try so hard to imagine you as five, and it seems quite surreal; would you be as tall as this kid or into star wars like that kid? We tried hard to embrace the "back to school" moments as Owen and I went shopping for school supplies. We donated them to your school in honor of you and in memory of the sweetest little boy I know/knew.

You would be so proud of your brother. He is a dancing machine. I picture you laughing at him as he breaks into dance for every song and jingle. He's talking and making facial expressions that remind me so much of you. These are sweet moments as I get to enjoy new Owen-isms and remember you at the same time. I could go on and on, but I know you know all of this. I know you are here and enjoying these moments right along with us. It's not being able to see you, hug you, play with you, read to you, and see who you would be at five that gets tough and confusing all the same. I don't know if I grieve the five year old B or the 2 1/2 year old B the most? Soon Owen will pass you in age, and I know that will be tough. You will always be older, but Owen will now get to experience moments here on earth before you ever did - it just doesn't seem real or even possible, but this is what it is without you here.

We miss you, we honor you, we love you each and every day.
Loving you & missing you more with each passing day,
Your Mama

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Dear Bloggers,
I didn't realize how difficult this day and this blog would be. I've come to have days of peace and then there are moments right now where I can barely catch my breath because reality has sunk in. I miss my son, and there's nothing I can do to ever get him back. I know he is with us in spirit, but darn-it that's tough to come to grips with everyday. Knowing I will see him again someday is what helps to get me through these moments, but sometimes that's just not enough.

On the upswing of this post, we had another very successful Heart of Gold Golf Outing. With a little over 200 attendees, we made (almost to the penny) $20,000. WOW! We couldn't have done this without the amazing support of our family, friends, co-workers, and Heart of Gold Fans. Our attendance was lower than previous years, but we had supporters who made generous contributions that helped make this another successful fundraiser. We have now reached the $100,000+ mark with our 5 years in operation. Rich and I are still in awe at how far this charity has come and how the legacy and life of our B has inspired so many. His life was and still is a gift and a blessing - each day this is revealed in different ways, ways that make me so proud to be his Mama.

I made a montage for the outing, but sadly it didn't want to work that night :( I was, however, able to download it to Youtube, so if you would like to watch it here is the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VN8RaeX5LlA

We are also walking/running again in the Briggs and Al for Children's Hospital of Wisconsin. This year it's back to the September date, so we will be walking and running on September 17th. It's not too late to join us! Please contact us if you'd like to join us on this special day. I have a tough time asking for more money because of the generosity we see every August with our outing, but if you would like to pledge to our team (all money goes back to CHW), please visit: http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/stephanie-petska/braden

Thanks for reading, stopping in, and continuing to support us,
Steph

Here are a few photos from the outing

"Hope carries no price tag but it's value is priceless."

2011-05-21T13:05:00.006-05:00

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger
--Sarah Evans

Hello blog,
Oh how I've missed you and longed for you in those quiet moments when I need to redirect my focus, when I need to just be, when I need to dig deep for that inner peace, when I need to finally just let it all out, so I'm no longer consumed with the comings and goings of life as it is. My grief has changed, and I know it has. It has changed to a point where I feel guilt for not missing B as much as I once did (last year, last month, last week, yesterday). How can that be? How can a mother miss her son any less? Maybe because my distractions allow me to not dwell on what I'm missing? The pain isn't as sharp as it once was and the memories are starting to lose their crisp, sharp focus as well. This makes me incredibly sad. Sometimes I'm so consumed with the guilt and the sadness of this new loss (the sharpness) that I feel stuck....stuck in thought, stuck in action.....just stuck! Again, I wish there was a manual on how I'm "supposed" to feel. Owen brings us so much joy and reminds us more and more everyday that Braden is very near....almost so similar in action that I catch myself calling him B sometimes. I look at Owen as he drives his cars and trucks so intently on the couch, kneeling just like B did that I want to hug him, embrace him, smell him, and wish for just one moment it could be B again. Imagining B comes when there are kids his age around, and I am blown away at the height he should/could be right now. There are times it gives me joy to see kids his age playing and then there are times when it brings sadness, knowing that I'm missing a big part of my life. Sometimes that missing comes out of nowhere. Sometimes my day can go on without the awareness that my heart is still reeling from brokenness, and then out of nowhere I am reminded that I should have a son 4 1/2 years of age, that I should have a son approaching kindergarten, that I should have a son who is learning how to ride a bike, that I should have 2 boys rough and tumble in my house, that I should be overwhelmed with duties any mom would have with 2 boys. There are times when I'm reminded that I'm not apart of this club or that club and that it wasn't my choice.....it was taken from me......these moments are when the anger appears. It's not there for very long, but it does approach from time to time.....sometimes with warning, most times I'm unaware of its presence sneaking up on me.

As most of you know, my March was consumed with more than just the 2-year angel-versary of B. Of course, I don't lessen the pain of that day by using the word "just", but we experienced two other deaths that month as well. My Uncle Mark who was also my Godfather passed away on March 17th from colon cancer. He was my dad's youngest brother, a loving husband, and devoted father. There is most certainly a void in our family now with the loss of my uncle. He did everything during his fight to put everyone's fear at ease by wearing a smile and staying positive and optimistic even when the pain crippled him. Please keep his family in your prayers as they are experiencing the overwhelming impact that loss brings. A few weeks later, my dear friend Shana passed away of Adrenal Cancer. I'm still trying to wrap my head around this as she leaves behind a husband and daughter Mia who is only 3 and doesn't understand why her mommy isn't coming home. Shana and I would talk often about our recent challenges in life, laughing, crying, and trying to walk God's path together. Shana always amazed me with her words of wisdom as she blogged during her 3 year battle with the beast. One I remember greatly that really changed how I felt about my own relationship with God. She had just received news that her cancer was continuing to grow despite the treatment she was on. I will share the post as I wish everyone had the chance to not only meet Shana but be graced with her presence as she showed an incredible amount of courage and faith during her fight:
--"This body of mine is good at deceiving me. It is doing a great job of being pain free and energetic for the most part. Sometimes I just wonder, 'Are you sure you've got the right CT?? That just can't be me.' With news like this, I always go back to the question what is my purpose here? As I'm sure everyone does, but for me there is more urgency to know that I am living a life that makes God proud. I am here to serve Him, to love and be loved. No matter what my CT says, I am being healed daily by the love I give and receive, by being able to enjoy pure joy with dear friends, my beautiful daughter, my husband, my moms, my sister, my family across the street, all of my family. Just this weekend, I caught up with old friends and there was that pure happiness that makes you forget about what the next day might bring. I enjoyed the moment and the love that was present between old friends that have shared dreams, secrets and heartache. Life is too short to not have these moments. Sure there are some days I miss my work. I really loved practicing, and am sad some days that I can't do it, but Mia and Scott are more important to me than work. Not that everyone should stop working and spend it with their family, but balance it. If you got cancer tomorrow are you happy with how your life is right now? I know I worked too much. Too many long hours away from my family is not something I am proud of. I owed the govt my life pretty much, though so I did what was asked of me. I don't mean to preach, but hope you might pick up something from my experiences. And since this is my page, you have to put up with the wisecracks and the tears! One thing for sure, I am a better person because of the cancer. Don't misunderstand. I would give almost anything to be cured, but I would not give up the changes my spirit has undergone during this journey." -- Although my uncle didn't blog about his journey, both him and Shana made sure to make each day count. Their lives and deaths have made me look within myself to ask, how can I live my best life? I'm not sure, but what I can tell you is that I've begun to pray again. This is a huge step in building back my faith, piece by piece. I know I need to pray for the people in my life for strength and healing just like many people did and still do for us. I'm also praying for God to allow me to accept where I am right now in my own life and to ask Him to show me how I can best serve Him.

Other news:
Heart of Gold Charity will be proudly awarding six seniors this spring with $1,000 each in their pursuit of a medical/nursing degree. This will make $22,000 total that we've given since our start. We will be delivering another batch of gift bags tomorrow. Our 5th Annual Golf Outing will be August 13th at the Twin Lakes Country Club. We are sending out forms in the next few weeks. Again, we were humbled by the amazing people I work with. They purchased bracelets with Braden's name and "Forever in our Hearts" on them for everyone in the staff to wear the week of his angel-versary. Many people still wear them today, and I am so thankful to have a support system like I do. Below you will see a picture that was organized on March 17th. Rich and I stayed home that day, so my staff was able to arrange themselves into a heart all wearing gold/yellow shirts. They surprised me with the picture a week later. AMAZING! Just yesterday a co-worker said he thought of B as he drove to work. He saw a beautiful sunrise and remembers the beauty in the sunrise the morning B passed away. Moments like these blow me away as I always want his little life to be remembered. When they are shared, I can't help but swell with pride and tears for my B.

Rich and I are winding down our days of teaching for the year. Every year it seems to go faster. Because of a later than usual start for him this year, he goes almost 2 more weeks after I'm out. I will make sure not to rub it in every chance I get :) Owen, Owen, Owen......what's not to say about this growing boy who is the king of facial expressions. His vocabulary has taken off and he is jabbering every minute of the day....music to our ears! His most common phrases: "What's that?" "No like" "Oh gosh", "Mama, where are you?" "Hide, Jim", "Grammy's House?" He also demands us to "sit" as he slaps his hand on the chair and also to read to him. Requests granted :) He is funny when he doesn't get his way and decides he has to let out his anger by hitting. After many timeouts, he has learned not to hit mama or daddy. He now finds a wall, the gate or the nearest object to hit. He looks at us intently when he does it, but then whines and looks at his hand after he discovers it hurts to hit. He will be two next Sunday, and it's so hard to believe.

Mary Kay is still amazing, and I believe it has been another piece of allowing me to grow spiritually and emotionally. I'm on target to earn that first career car (not the pink Caddy :) Below you will see a picture that was taken at our quarterly convention in Madison. Consultants in MK are recognized for achievement in sales, recruiting, etc every quarter. This was the first time I was recognized for a "big" award. Here I am on stage speaking with one of the directors and there's an orb of light hovering over my head. Big blessings from B that day. It still brings me to tears when I look at it.

A quote I absolutely love and would like to share is: "When we can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." I am in no way "healed." I will never be the same, yet I choose to get up everyday and "try". I've been reading more lately which has helped, but I need to remember to do it EVERYDAY. Just because I feel better one day doesn't mean that the next day won't be drastically different. In order to keep my frame of mind positive, it takes work. I'm happy to know that I'm leaning more on God for help with this. Enjoy today for we don't know what tomorrow will bring. If you are struggling with today, pray it away......there will be peace like no other when you can give "it" away.

There are clouds today but hoping for sunshine tomorrow (figuratively and literally),
Steph

"March"ing along....

2011-02-12T14:31:00.011-06:00

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

These are words from the song "For Good" from Wicked. I can't help but tear up when listening to it. I'm forever changed for knowing, loving, and losing B. Am I better? Worse? Not sure, but I know I'm different. For now, it feels like a good different, but there are moments when I break, crack, and crumble to where I beg for that old life back. I guess I'm learning to live this new life to the best I can, but there are days, many days when all I want is my son back....sigh.

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I wrote the above days ago intending to finish the post but just didn't have the time and energy to sit and unravel what's been on my heart. Now I sit here, trying desperately to allow my fingers to type away these emotions that have seemed to consume me....to try and unravel what I've wound so tightly. All I can think about is that March 1st is looming....it's right around the corner. The weather still feels a bit like January, but I know it's coming....the spring-like weather that will bring back that heaviness and everything that's tied to March 17th and the moment that forever changed us.

Today was a day I can say we moved one step forward in our healing. We were invited to a group bowling activity. At first I told Rich I didn't want to go as I seem to avoid activities where I know there will be kids B's age. The more we discussed it, the more we felt the need to venture out and allow Owen this fun new experience and the chance to be with other kids. He had so much fun. As I sat there and watched Rich help Owen throw the ball down the lane, I couldn't help but swallow that big lump in my throat. This was a moment I felt the smiles piercing the pain, allowing only happy tears.....of joy for Owen and a testament to how Rich and I are living our lives......for Owen...with Braden always near us.

I write this blog with tears, with choking sobs as the sadness is here tonight....the fear of losing Owen is starting to become present...traces of B are everywhere and even more so in Owen. I watch Owen as he plays, as he talks, as he learns and he is so different yet so similar to Braden. I watch as Owen loves trucks, tractors, and cars. I sometimes look and imagine how him and Braden would play together. That is the box I cannot open up as it will consume me. It saddens me beyond words when I think of what Owen is missing out on each and everyday. - sigh-

Owen has changed so much since my last post (Thanksgiving). Everyday he has new words, learning letters, shapes, colors, and absolutely loving to dance. He dances with his arms, so he looks like he's surfing. He even head jives in the car if he's digging the music. He loves Dora, Diego, and adores Mickey Mouse. When he wants to watch Dora, he says, "D-D-D-D- Oh Man" (imitating Swiper). He loves everything involving monster trucks. He will play with his cars and trucks on the couch, lining them up, running them over with his monster trucks. I can't believe he's approaching 2.....it doesn't seem possible.

Since I haven't updated since Thanksgiving, I feel like there's so much to share, especially involving the charity. Since Christmas seemed to be such a difficult time to get through, it was a very nice surprise to get a few generous donations from friends and the companies they work with - thank you Ralph TenBruin and David Smith. We have also received generous donations from people we've never met. We are truly touched and amazed at the generosity of others. Since February is heart month, we've had some amazing things happen with the charity. First of all, my Mary Kay director has been so touched by Braden's story that she is donating the money she is making this month at her Mary Kay parties to the charity...thank you Kiersten. I also decided to sell some Mary Kay bath and perfume products at school along with our teddy bears and Heart of Gold t-shirts. My staff was amazing and purchased enough to raise over $700.00 for the charity. Rich brought some bears into his work just before Christmas and raised a few hundred dollars as well....amazing! We also received a very generous donation from Mended Little Hearts that was appreciated beyond words. On President's Day, I received a phone call from our friends the Tomomitsu's who were in the Twin Lakes Area promoting Jump Rope for Hearts. They were speaking at the local schools (one in which I used to teach at). They spoke about B and honored him on this special day. Tammy also let me know that they payed a special visit to B at his site. The one story that is really quite touching comes from a young man named Dylan. Dylan has been working on his black belt since the age of four and he is now nine. As a part of receiving his black belt, Dylan needed to do a service project. Dylan and his family were inspired to somehow be able to give to Children's Hospital of WI after taking part in the Brigg's & Al Walk/Run last October. A mutual connection lead Dylan to our charity. Dylan felt this was a way he could help and assist the children and families at CHW. Dylan held a special party just before Valentine's Day at his home. He called it, "Have a Heart." They asked for everyone to wear red and to bring items that would/could go into the gift bags we give to new heart families at CHW. Today we were able to meet Dylan and his mom & dad. They delivered eight bags of goods (toiletries and snacks), $800.00 in donations, and $100 in gift cards to Applebee's. We were touched and honored to not only receive this but to meet Dylan and his family. His parents should be so proud of him. He is learning at a young age what the gift of giving is all about. Not only does this swell our hearts with pride to know that B is still touching lives, but look at how many lives Dylan and everyone who has generously given to Heart of Gold will forever touch by their generosity. Thank you, thank you!

Thank you God for sending amazing people into our lives.....You are providing Your healing touch in so many ways...AMEN!

Stephanie

Below are recent photos of Owen. The first one is our photo op with Dylan this morning - Owen is holding onto the Braden Bear we gave Dylan. I ended the photo display with a pic of B. He's just waking up and it looks like he's about to dance or give us a big hug.....love him to pieces...

Thoughts at Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T11:32:00.004-06:00

"If I could go back and live life over again, I would find you sooner, so I could love you longer." Today is Thanksgiving. We have so much to be thankful for, yet I can't help that my heart is so extremely heavy. Days like today magnifies the loss and sometimes even clouds the moments we should be thankful for.

Aside from today, I feel like I'm at the side of the mountain, climbing....inching my way to the top...although I'm not sure what that means when we reach the top of the largest mountain. I know that I'm not at the bottom, in a pit of sorrow, swallowed up by grief and that is a good thing...no, a great thing. I've sought a little help for this in the pharmaceutical department. Whether you believe in such a thing or not, I've learned not to judge those doing the same. I've tried like heck to avoid this...for fear of being co-dependent on something foreign to help me through the tough moments. For a year and a half I've been counseled, I've exercised, eaten healthy, taken vitamins, etc. I came to a point where the grief was grabbing ahold of me more than I was able to grab ahold of it. The little day to day tasks of "life" are no longer overwhelming like they once were. I feel as if I have my motivation back. I can now pay the bills and do laundry without having a meltdown. I now have the desire to cook and even clean. Another thing that has helped a bit with this is the fact that I've signed up to be a Mary Kay Consultant. Many people have either looked at me funny as if I've gone mad trying to fit one more thing on my plate or they have believed in me more than I've believed in myself. It has been a great distraction and a has played a very positive role in my life as of lately. I can make this as much or as little as I want, and I have met some wonderful people along the way. Mary Kay's philosophy has been God first, family second, and career third. Along this journey, I've met some people with strong faith and many like me who are not "sellers" by nature but have leaned on this business to try and search for more in their life. Although I'm very new at this, I look forward to the moments I am able to be present these wonderful women. I've been trying to find ways to have God actively present in my life again....I'm hoping this will give me that extra push to get back into the regular routine of attending church and leaning on God again.

I look back to where I was exactly a year ago (thankful that I blogged about that time), and I can remember not wanting to move forward for fear that holidays lived without B would wash away the ones we lived with him. Although the "firsts" have been lived and lived through, it still doesn't quite make the "seconds" any easier....just different. I look at Braden's moments on film, and they seem to get farther and farther away. Time can be a good thing, yet I dislike time for this very reason. It's natural for parents to "forget" or not actively remember all of the actions their children made from years ago. But, when this is all we have, it makes me so sad to think that those memories might become foggier as time moves on.

All of the latest happenings with us and the Charity:
We once again walked/ran in the Briggs and Al run/walk. Our team raised close to $4,000 and we had a team of 47 members...our biggest team yet. We were also asked to be one of three charities highlighted and a recipient of funds raised at a Hearts of Hope movie premiere. Hearts of Hope was a documentary about CHD families who have fought the fight with their children. The hospital that the documentary was filmed was at Hope Hospital in Oak Lawn. It was very well done, and the young gal who filmed this was there as well. It was very moving to see the journeys, just like ours, captured on film. It was also very special to be among so many heart families that evening. Before we attended the event, we dropped off 20 more gift bags the hospital - this makes 100 this year.

Writing has been so therapeutic for me. I know this because after writing what I just wrote above, that cloud of grief has been slightly lifted to allow me to reflect on all of the wonderful blessings in our life. We are so thankful for all of you...who continue to support us, pray for us, and love us. I know that God has played an active role in healing through the wonderful actions of others. I recently received a diary journal with a Heart of Gold figurine on the front.....maybe just maybe I will really, truly contemplate creating a book of some sort. I feel as if I have a stack of books to be read that deals with grief in all sorts of ways....maybe mine will capture yet another view....hmmmm, just thinking outloud :)

Owen is at the forefront of today's feast....although we could just gobble him up, what I mean by this is that he is at the forefront of our blessings. He has been the key role in our healing and allowing us to move one foot forward everyday. He is now starting to play with some of the toys B so very much loved. It is so neat to see him play so differently, yet so very much the same as his brother did. He is becoming such a little boy who is full of smiles, laughter, and life. He is such a good boy, and we have seen the rough and tumble yet gentle sides of him. We share Braden's pictures and video memories with him. I can't wait to share so much more when he is old enough to understand.

Whether your heart is beating with love or broken with sadness, let it be open to give thanks to the beautiful blessing we have before us.

With love and gratitude this Thanksgiving and everyday.....
Steph

Some fall photos of Owen...he was a hobo for Halloween:

Time Marches On.....

2010-09-26T13:28:00.008-05:00

I sit down to write because it's been a long time. I know this because my thoughts are swirling about, needing to be let out someway/somehow. So, where are we now you may ask? How are things going? Hmmm, well, it's so hard to pinpoint that exactly. Some moments it seems as if I have a grip on this new life and the next moment I'm plummeting into a place I try desperately to get out of. The tears come much easier these days...I just miss my B to pieces. I know how I've blogged before that I felt I could analyze myself and my feelings pretty well, knowing why I was feeling a certain way. Now, I've just given up on the analyzing part and succumb to what the day brings. Sometimes that might mean a sudden dip in my mood or tears of sadness when there's so much joy that surrounds us. A few scenarios might make you understand what I'm talking about. A few weeks ago, I went downstairs to grab Owen a pair of tennis shoes. I know Braden had some at this age that would fit Owen....I just needed to find them. As I was looking at the unmarked tubs, I couldn't quite remember what tub held the clothes and items that Owen could fit into now, so I started with the first one I saw. That was the tub ear marked with "don't touch" items....the clothes B last wore, his socks, shoes, Handy Manny backpack, and his winter coat. I grabbed the coat and just hugged it, hoping to feel what I once felt a year and a half ago. I put the coat back and closed up the tub, thinking I was "done" as I opened up the next one. There sat clothes Owen would eventually wear, and there I sat sobbing as I looked at the items that held so many memories. I wasn't expecting it. I honestly thought I could go and retrieve some shoes without even wincing. Boy was I wrong. Everything in this house holds a key to a memory....I guess packing things away was like packing away emotions I hadn't expected to reopen again. Another moment was when Rich, Owen, and I were driving back from a fun-filled afternoon. Rich made a detour on our way home, and I knew instantly where we were going....the cemetery. It caught me off guard. He wanted to go retrieve the balloons we had left there for B's birthday. I couldn't get out of the car. It was hard for me to even look at his headstone with his little face on the bench and the large letters of our last name etched into the stone. I was screaming on the inside....with anger and questions....why? Why B? Why us? We shouldn't be here....he shouldn't be here.....it's just not fair....damn it, it's just not fair! Some days....some moments....just catch me/us by surprise!

When you ask how we are doing? I apologize if I don't make sense or end the conversation in circles...I really don't know what to say. I've never had something change in my life like my viewpoint on grief. I know if I looked back to an entry I made a year ago, it would be very different . I do know one thing ...our lives are different now....I'm not sure if you see it, but I feel it. I'd like to share with you a quote from another family that really hit home: "Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she had become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity” For me the italicized part is what I feel the most at this point. I'm not all at once. No matter how hard I try, I just can't get there and I'm not sure if I ever will. I feel as if I lost a piece of myself when I lost B, and sometimes plummeting into that darkness is the result of trying to get that part of my life back, knowing it's gone forever. Another mother wrote about her grief and healing being about trying to glue back the pieces of your life when it's been smashed to smithereens. Somedays I feel as if we've done a good job with our glueing, embracing the joy in our life, thanking God for what we have, and remembering B with happy memories. Then there are days when the glueing either halts or crumbles, with us having to start back from the beginning. Since there will always be a missing piece, how do you even begin to glue it all back? I can imagine that's how our life will always be...somedays "glued together" while other days crumbling to pieces.
sigh......

Owen, Owen, Owen.....I couldn't wait to get to this part in the blog as he truly melts my heart. He is growing, growing, growing. He is a pointing, ooohing, laughing, babbling, curious, active, playful, inquisitive, brave, little boy who loves books, animals, trucks, wrestling, trains, making new discoveries, dancing, and bath time. Summer and fall have brought us out of "hiding" as we embrace new experiences like the beach, zoo, and the apple orchard with Owen. I try hard to focus on Owen and not on what we're missing, but that's easier said than done. That "missing piece" can be more evident on days when we see families of four or brothers the ages of Braden and Owen. Owen looks and points at B's pictures and sometimes carries them around with him. I often wonder if he knows that there's a special boy inside that frame or if he "recognizes" his face from a previous "meeting." Sometimes you just have to wonder. Owen isn't saying a lot of words yet, but we are starting to recognize his own language. We've been starting to teach him a few signs like eat, more, all done, and milk, so he can communicate to us. Speaking of "all done", we are all done with the helmet.....yeah! It's amazing to see the difference from where he started.

Other news: I know I had written this in the previous post, but I just wanted to thank everyone again for their support with our 4th annual golf outing. We made a little over $16,000 which puts us at a little over $80,000 total that we've raised since we started Heart of Gold. We are in the process of writing thank you's to those who made contributions to the charity, golf outing, and silent auction. We made another gift bag delivery to the hospital at the end of August, which put us at 80 gift bags this year already. In just two weeks, we are going to participate again in the Briggs and Al Run/Walk. We were actually reluctant in forming a team this year- last year was very emotional, and we were unsure if we could do it again. We had many members of our team asking about it, wanting to join again, so we did. We are 45 team members strong (our biggest team yet), and on October 9th we will run/walk to benefit Children's Hospital of Wisconsin and the Playroom of Hope. If you would like to make a contribution to our team, our website is: www.firstgiving.com/bradenpetska

Thank you for checking in. I know God has answered many prayers through the kind acts of others....thank you for your endless support, encouragement, and prayers. A special thanks to the Tommy Gals :)

Love,
Steph

Happy 4th Birthday B!

2010-08-17T08:23:00.001-05:00

Happy Birthday to a very special little boy! We miss you more than you'll ever know!

Love you B-man,
Mama, Dada, and Owen

I just wanted to make a quick note to say that once again we had another successful golf outing. Thank you to everyone who supported us and contributed to the charity! We definitely felt B's presence and spirit as we celebrated his life, honored the kiddos who live every day with CHD, and remembered those who have left us all too soon. We wanted share with you a montage created for our outing...please see it in the post below.

Thanks for checking in with us!
Steph

Heart of Gold Charity, 2010 at OneTrueMedia.com

2010-08-17T08:18:00.001-05:00

Here is the montage we created for our 2010 Heart of Gold Charity Golf Outing

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Heart of Gold Fundraiser

2010-07-21T20:30:00.005-05:00

Hello Everyone,

It's hard to believe that we are less than a month away from our 4th Annual Golf Outing Fundraiser! Registration forms have been sent, and we apologize if you did not receive one by mail. We might not have your address in our mailing system, so please let us know your address for future mailings if you did not receive a form by mail. You can e-mail us @ www.heartofgoldcharity@yahoo.org

Date: Saturday, August 14 at 12pm at Twin Lakes Country Club in Twin Lakes, WI. Registration will be at 11pm, shotgun start at 12pm - please note that this is one hour earlier than in previous years! Dinner, silent auction, and live entertainment to follow golfing. The golf package includes 18 holes of golf, a brat and beer lunch , as well as dinner, all for $90.

Non-golfing dinner guests are welcome, but pre-registration is required. The cost is only $25 for dinner ($10 for kids 12 and under). Please fill out the same form as the golfers in the dinner guest section.

Please remember registration ends July 24th or when we reach our limit of 144 golfers (300 total for dinner).

If you cannot attend, but would like to make a contribution, you can sponsor a hole or donate an item to our silent auction.

Since Heart of Gold Charity's 1st Annual Golf Outing in 2007, we have raised over $60,000 which has allowed us to give back in the following ways:
245 Gift Bags to New Heart Families at Children's Hospital of Wisconsin
$16,000 in Medical Scholarships
$14,000 to the Herma Heart Center (at CHW) for Cardiac Research (I put the incorrect total in a previous e-mail sent out)
$7,000 to the Ronald McDonald House

Please join us on August 14th to continue Heart of Gold Charity's Mission: To assist new heart families, inspire young individuals pursuing a career in medicine, support cardiac research, raise awareness of CHD, and continue to honor the legacy and memory of Braden Gregory Petska.

Please feel free to forward this to anyone you think may be interested in golfing, coming to dinner, or making a contribution.

Also, don't forget about our pop-tab challenge - bring in your pop-tabs to be weighed. The one with the most tabs (by weight) wins a prize!

-------------------------------

The link below is currently on the Brigg's & Al Website to help advertise for this year's run/walk set for Saturday, October 9th, 2010. We feel honored to have been a part of this video. This was the video they filmed back in January - I think I blogged about it. There were many moments when Owen was hollering in the background - it was hard to stay focused and not smile when he was chiming in.
Copy and paste this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TGj6lErWvU

--------------------------------

I Can't Believe You're Gone by Kenny Chesney:
Sunny days seem to hurt the most
Wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
Still can't believe you're gone

---------------------------------

Playing, laughing, running, singing, dancing, jumping, snuggling, hugging, smiling, breathing, talking, learning, living, loving, and being the best at being you....we miss you B. Soon will be the day you will be four years old! It seems impossible to miss you more and more each day, but I guess nothing is impossible.

Video Link - copy and paste: http://s867.photobucket.com/home/tchrsteph

---------------------------------
Here are recent photos of our ever-growing Owen. He was close to 30 lbs at his 1 year appointment, so we think he has reached this weight with being close to 14 months now. He is busy, curious, sweet, flirtatious, happy, easy-going, gentle, and inquisitive. He is a daddy's boy who loves to rough house but loves to snuggle with his mama:)

The one photo is by Kim - she helped take pics for a helmet calendar contest. We should know in a few months if he made the calendar!

Learning to "live" again......

2010-06-13T15:40:00.013-05:00

It's amazing how much the weather can define your mood or even better, be a symbol of it. Lately, it feels as if the weather can't make up its mind - will it rain or shine? When it rains, it rains, and when the sun shines, the heat radiates and reminds us that summer is really here. My mood, well, it seems to be the same. I feel that with summer here, I've been trying so hard to embrace the sunshine and yet, at any moment I feel like my mood can quickly change as tears sting my eyes with the most subtle reminders of B's absence. Once again, with me being my own worst critic, I try so hard to analyze where I am in my grief, where I "should" be, and where I'm going. My current answer is, "I don't know." What I do know is that I can definitely see a significant difference at how far I've come from the bottom. Just the fact that I'm wanting to plant flowers, tend to a garden, and take walks in the sunshine is a vast difference from where I was last summer. I can definitely smile at this change, yet I question it all the same. When you lose a child, you lose a part of yourself - it is the worst pain anyone could ever endure, and yet here I am living proof that you can survive such heart ache, such devastating loss to one's life and soul. I stand here still devastated, but I'm more devastated as to how I am able to stand. I can't help but whisper guilt from the inside as it seems virtually impossible that one can survive this. As my counselor reminds me that this journey is so incredibly complicated and confusing at times, I try to just take it all in stride, sometimes being numb to own feelings and trying hard not to analyze my every step forward. She is so right with the confusion - I've often stated that every day brings new challenges and it still does. I see children who were once younger than Braden, now passing him in age....I wonder how I will feel when Owen reaches that age when he is "older" than "B". I see neighbors having sleepovers and wonder if B would be tagging along. It's so hard to imagine him being the 3.5 almost 4 year old.....oh the endless what if's and what would be's....sigh. Owen's growth and development is amazing to see as he's learning to walk, talk, and take charge of his surroundings. As we cheer Owen on and encourage his milestones, I can't help but place Braden here with us, helping his little brother and squealing with excitement as he watches Owen grow and learn in front of his very eyes. Watching Owen grow and change reminds me again of how I've grown over this year as well....how much I've changed and how much the grief has changed. I feel more on top than on the bottom which is a good thing, but again, like I previously mentioned, I can't help but question "why?" I've concluded (within myself) that I've gotten used to living with this loss, so I've adapted my life to live with it.....

The one thing I have missed is going to church. My pastor left our church just after Owen's baptism last July. It was a loss I wasn't prepared to deal with after losing B. I stopped going....I missed many of the people who had welcomed me into the parish, yet I felt so indifferent without having Pastor Cliff and his sermons I looked forward to each week. I went last week and again this week, and it feels good to be "back." I feel like I've lost touch with keeping God front and center, and I hope I get back to a place where I once was with my faith.

Owen turned a year two weeks ago, and it's unbelievable that he's already a year old. How did this first year pass before us so quickly? He is busy, busy, on the move, but managing to listen (somewhat) as he's beginning to learn his boundaries with a simple "no." This does entail staring you down when you say "no" as he holds his hand close enough to that boundary without really touching it....then a smile and a little giggle...how can you be stern and serious with that adorable expression? Owen has truly been our saving grace. He allows us to awake with joy for what the day will bring as we try and embrace each day as best we can. Although Owen is his own little person, he does carry some of the same traits as B - simply amazing.

Heart of Gold Charity Golf Outing is set for August 14th, 2010. We have room for 144 golfers and additional dinner guests (you don't have to be a golfer to attend the dinner and silent auction :). You can find more information on our website: www.heartofgoldcharity.org If you are interested in sponsoring a hole, making a donation, or contributing to our silent auction, you can contact us at our charity e-mail: heartofgoldcharity@yahoo.com We are proud and honored to announce the following seniors that we awarded $1,000 medical scholarships to this spring:
Badger High School - Abigail Owens
Harvard High School - Jenny Kazy-Garey
Johnsburg High School - Jordan Hauck
Munising (MI) High School - Emily Hulse
Richmond-Burton High School - Eleanor Meisner
Wilmot High School - Jeremy Betz
In addition to our scholarship awards, we will be delivering 20 more gift bags to new heart families at CHW next week. This will make 60 this year and a total of 245 since Heart of Gold has been established - it's very humbling to know that there are still so many new heart patients admitted to CHW. We will also be delivering pop tabs to Ronald McDonald House and making our annual donation to RMH and to the Herma Heart Center as well.

That about sums up our latest "news" here. Below are some photos of Owen marking his one year in style. Grandpa Greg and Auntie Marci designed the cakes. You will notice a little addition to O - this is a helmet to help restructure his noggin. It was a little flat on the back, right side of his head. He is a trooper and has welcomed this new addition, even with the heat :) Aside from the 3 hour round trip drive every other week for a 15 minute appt, we can't complain...or I should say, we've been through worse.

Again, I will end with B's Video Link (copy and paste): http://s867.photobucket.com/home/tchrsteph I can't help but watch, always wanting more as the video clips end...sigh...I just miss him so much.

Thanks for reading,
Steph

Owen is one!

2010-05-29T12:59:00.002-05:00

Today we celebrate life, love, and hope - today, just like everyday, we celebrate Owen - today he is one! I know his big brother is sending his love! Happy Birthday Owen!

This and That

2010-04-26T21:03:00.006-05:00

Hello all,
So many ask how we're doing and well...it's so hard to put into words. I'm not even sure I can put into words how we're doing. Each day poses new challenges and obstacles with the grief, and I've learned to continue to take each day as it comes. I think so many are under the perception that after a year, it gets better....I won't lie, the pain isn't as intense as it was, but it's still there. The void, the heartache, the longing....it never goes away. You learn to live with it and manage it, so you can "carry on" with your life as best you can. It doesn't get better, it gets different - again, a feeling I can't put into words. I seemed to have more valleys lately...anything can really spark it. As quickly as I can fall into a valley, I seem to get out just as quickly. With this, I feel a bit "manic" at times, clearly aware of my "happy moments" and not really knowing if this is the "new" me or someone pretending for the moment that their life is completely in tact. As I punch the keys on this computer, I know this post is so different than other posts I've created. It's the awareness of my emotions that have seemed to get the best of me (or so I've been told). I'm so aware and analytical of my own emotions, I seem to be much harder on myself than I need to be. I'm trying so hard to honor B as best I can, but I feel so lost at times. I can picture myself in a future moment sitting on his bench-style head stone and speaking to him, telling him about Owen, his friends, what's new in our lives, explaining to him how much we miss him.....but I can't. It doesn't seem natural, not yet anyway...so, with this, I struggle on how I can communicate with him. Can he, in spirit, read what's on my mind and heart without me speaking it? Is he beside me as I weep or even write to him on here? I have so many questions, and I pray that one day my answers outweigh the questions (especially the ones that can consume me at times). It's just so hard....to put into words...to describe what it feels like to be eating lunch with a friend and looking out the window to a Borders Bookstore. At that moment, when I'm in mid-laugh, I'm brought back to a time when I brought B to Borders - the first and sadly the last time. In mid-laugh, mind you, I felt this incredibly sharp painful moment that never again will I have the chance to bring him into Borders to buy, look at, or even touch another book. I know he's not sad, but I most certainly am. It can happen, just like that......the sudden dip in the day, the sudden slope at a moments notice, or in this case a glance out the window.

Before I go, I would like to share a few feel good moments. A few weeks ago, we were able to speak to a Kiwanis group in Burlington. It was in support of CHW and the Joey O'Brien Memorial Open the Kiwanis help support. We met Joey's parents who were incredibly kind and compassionate about helping others. Joey was only 16 when he passed away from Leukemia, and their golf outing helps with Leukemia research. We were able to share B's story and how passionate we are of CHW and the tremendous care we received - from the moment we arrived until the day we sadly said good-bye to B. Moments like that are so incredible as it's a chance for us to share B's story and to keep his memory alive....in so many ways.

I also want to share a moment I had at the cemetery just yesterday. B is buried near a tree and in a location that is set apart from the main section. Buried right next to him is a police officer whose life was also cut short. So many times, when I visit B's site, I will look over at this man's stone and wonder about him, his wife, his kids, and how they're doing. Anyway, I took my neighbor friend Erin to B's site on Sunday to show her his stone. A few minutes after we arrived, a truck pulls up and out hops the wife of the police officer. We introduced ourselves, hugged, and even cried together. It was a moment I thought a lot about - what would I say to this wife who is grieving her husband, who leaves flowers so often right next to B? It was a very special moment as our hearts knew exactly what to say and do. I explained how I thought her husband was keeping watch over B when she thought the opposite. Since her husband loved kids, ever since B has been buried there, she thought her husband was the one who gained a very special angel. Again, a moment I can't put into words.

Today marks the one year "anniversary" for B's special angel friend Nevaeh. Please keep this family in your thoughts and prayers as they relive so many of the painful moments they lived through last year. We know all too well their pain.

I will leave you with a song I've been listening to lately - A LOT - it reminds me so much of B and what I'd love to tell him.

Steven Curtis Chapman - Just Have to Wait
Well, I can't wait to see your smile again,
The one when your eyes disappear along with all my troubles
And I can't wait to hear you sing a song
Maybe Jesus Loves Me or a song you learned up there

But I, oh I'll just have to wait
'Cause I know that day is coming
So I, oh I'll just have to wait

I can't wait to hear your mama laugh
The way that only you can make her laugh when you get silly
And I can't wait to see you in her arms
I know the wound so deep inside her heart is healed for good

But I, oh I'll just have to wait
'Cause I know that day is coming
So I, oh I'll just have to wait

And I can't wait to dance with you again
Knowing that this time we dance, we'll never have to end

But I, oh I'll just have to wait
'Cause I know that day is coming
So I, oh I'll just have to wait

And I can't wait to see your sisters play
The way they do when all of you are playing all together
I can't wait to watch your brother's face
When he can finally see with his own eyes
Everything's okay

And I just have to wait
'Cause I know that day is coming
And I just have to wait

I will end on a good note - Owen is approaching 11 months - so hard to believe he will be a year next month. He is such a happy baby and is discovering that life is much better when you're mobile. Although he's not walking, he's the world's fastest crawler. He babbles and does a sweet little "goo" when he sees babies, and he is fascinated with other kids. He just can't help but stare - it brings a smile yet ache to my heart as I can't help but wonder how B and him would interact. He loves to dance, jump in his crib, and is discovering that it's fun to feed the dog his food. I just can't help but stare at his beautiful little face. I'm usually not one to gush about my kids, but I think I've earned the right to do it from time to time!

B's Video Link (copy and paste): http://s867.photobucket.com/home/tchrsteph

Mark your calendars - Heart of Gold Charity Golf Outing will be on August 14th. We'll have more details later regarding when registration starts!

Until then,
Live simply. Love generously.
Speak kindly. Care deeply.
Leave the rest to God.

Stephanie

2010-04-04T19:56:00.002-05:00

Dear B,
Happy Easter my little man. I'm sure your Easter basket was full of little bunnies and daffodils as you helped to spread the sunshine today. We left you Handy Manny bubbles and imagined you with us so many times. Today was Owen's first Easter, and he enjoyed all of his Easter treasures, especially his new books. He got a lady bug kite in his basket - we'll be sure to fly it nice and high so you can see us when we fly it. He's crawling all over and loves to walk when you hold him by his fingertips. He's eating so much now and has 6 teeth. I can almost hear the laughter the two of you would create. Oh how we miss you...we miss your big smile and how you'd squint your eyes and say "cheese," the way you'd rub and itch your nose (all the time), how you'd sing your silly songs, your laughter and how you'd stomp your feet when you got really excited, and how you'd show us what good manners are at the age of 2...."Excuse me, I burped" or "That was a really big tooter."

Tonight we sang "Old McDonald" to Owen for the first time. We miss you to pieces pal....

Holding you closer than ever to our hearts,
Your Mama, Dadda, and Owen

Beauty Will Rise

2010-03-21T16:10:00.006-05:00

Today was the big race - the 1/2 marathon we've trained for all winter - the metaphor of our journey. When signing up for this feat, I didn't realize right away that this very day was the day we said our final good-byes to Braden - the day we placed him at his final resting spot. I thought of him and this journey the entire way. Each mile we ran, I tried hard to put myself back into that particular month after B's passing, remembering where we were and how we were "surviving." I couldn't help but tear up when passing the 12 mile mark and trying so hard to embrace that last mile as the "future" of "us" now. I won't lie, the run was tough especially the last two miles. My feet were on fire, my buns were badly aching, and my legs felt like 100 lb weights....all I kept thinking was darnit Steph, your heart has survived more pain than this - keep going, keep moving, keep putting one foot in front of the other. Thank you to those who ran with me today, literally and in spirit. There were many kids with signs cheering for their moms. The highlight of my run was when we saw a hawk circling above us. I prayed for B to show himself in spirit...I knew he would show me his own special sign, cheering on his mama and auntie.

I cannot begin to express our appreciation and gratitude for all of the support you gave us this week and along this entire journey. We are/were overwhelmed with generous amounts of support. We received so many cards, phone calls, e-mails, and messages. We were also sent so many special gifts during the week to let us know how much we are cared for and how often B is thought of and loved. Below is a pic of B's heart friend Super Sam releasing a balloon to B....so, so special. My school did some amazing things as well. They collected money for Heart of Gold, and I was given a flower every class period on the 16th to help distract me as the hours passed by. We are truly blessed with amazing people in our lives.

This particular picture represents mile 13 and the future of our family....one with Hope as we embrace life and each day with Owen...for understanding and acceptance....for calm and peace....for that key to be able to move forward yet another day. Keep cheering us on as we will face many more hills and challenges ahead....keep praying that we feel the wind behind our backs....keep praying that when we feel defeated, we look to the heavens and ask God and B for their guidance. I will leave with you a song I feel fitting for this day. Again, another song by Steven Curtis Chapman, Beauty Will Rise. I will try to copy the link, but you may have to search it. I will leave the words.

Here's the link to B's videos - I will try and upload more as we go: http://s867.photobucket.com/home/tchrsteph

Beauty Will Rise
Copy and Paste Link: http://popup.lala.com/popup/576742236130311821

It was the day the world went wrong
I screamed til my voice was gone
And watched through the tears as everything
Came crashing down

Slowy panic turns to pain
As we awake to what remains
And sift through the ashes
That are left behind

But buried deep beneath
All our broken dreams we have this hope

Out of these ashes beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of these ashes beauty will rise
For we know joy is coming in the morning
In the morning, beauty will rise

So take another breath for now
And let the tears come washing down
And if you can't believe, I will believe for you

Cause I have seen the signs of spring
Just watch and see

Out of these ashes beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of these ashes beauty will rise
For we know joy is coming in the morning
In the morning

I can hear it in the distance
And it's not too far away
It's the music and the laughter
Of a wedding and a feast
I can almost feel the hand of God
Reaching for my face to wipe the tears away
You say it's time to make everything new
Make it all new

This is our hope
This is a promise
This is our hope
This is a promise

It will take our breath away
To see the beauty that's been made
Out of the ashes, out of the ashes

It will take our breath away
To see the beauty that He's made
Out of the ashes, out of the ashes

Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of this darkness
New light will shine
And we'll know the joy that's coming in the morning
In the morning
Beauty will rise

Oh, beauty will rise
Oh, oh, oh, beauty will rise
Oh, oh, oh, beauty will rise
Oh, oh, oh, beauty will rise

Thank You......

2010-03-17T18:49:00.002-05:00

We just wanted to express our thanks & gratitude - your support has been endless. Also, we've heard some have had trouble with the video link. Try this & then click on the Braden album if it doesn't come up right away - I added a few more videos.

http://s867.photobucket.com/home/tchrsteph

Calling All Angels..........

2010-03-16T20:39:00.008-05:00

Dear B,
Can you see us, can you touch us, can you feel our heavy hearts as we grieve deeply remembering you in your final moments just a year ago? As the hour approaches when you took your last breath, I'm reminded of how unfair it is for a mama and dadda to lose their child....I'm reminded of how much I grieve you, your presence, your future, and everything about you. I'm eternally proud to have been your mama here on earth, to have loved you, known you, and held you when you took your first breath and your last. We will never be the same for knowing you, loving you, and sadly losing you. Wishing we could have one last moment, one more monster hug and kiss from you....until we see you in heaven....we love you our sweet, sweet boy.

Holding you closer than ever to our hearts...today, tomorrow, and always,
Your Mama, Dadda, and O

Calling all angels
Calling all angels
Walk me through this one
Don't leave me alone
Calling all angels
Calling all angels
We're tryin', we're hopin'
We're hurtin', we're lovin'
We're cryin', we're callin'
We're not sure how this goes

Finally, I've found a way to share a video link of B through photobucket. I tried to attach a link, but you'll have to copy and paste below. The screen looks a little long and narrow - not sure what happened when it transferred to photobucket:

http://s867.photobucket.com/albums/ab237/tchrsteph/Braden/?action=view¤t=M2U01094.flv

I also want to revisit one of the slide-shows Kim made for us:
http://kimyouraphotography.squarespace.com/home/2009/3/24/bradens-life-in-pictures.html

I'll Just Have to Wait

2010-03-15T20:41:00.010-05:00

This pic, although it is scanned and not the best quality, is my all time favorite of B. It captures his innocence, wit and love of sweets. He is in mid-chew of a brownie at G'pa Greg's birthday party. It was one of our last photos taken of B, and a moment I wasn't there to witness. These sunglasses are owned by a friend of Cousin Natalie's. They were just lying on the table, and B put them on and had this look on his face like he wanted to say, "What...who...me? What are you looking at? What's so funny?" I hang it on the fridge to remind me of his charm and character - oh what laughter he brought and still brings to my life.

I will leave you with a link to another song from Steven Curtis Chapman's album, Beauty Will Rise. You'll have to copy and past this: http://popup.lala.com/popup/576742244720246413
You can search this song, "Just Have to Wait" if you can't get the link to work.

Faith isn't the ability to believe long and far into the misty future. It's simply taking God at His word and taking the next step.

2010-03-14T11:56:00.006-05:00

Sorry for the missed post last night - too tired and sometimes the writing, as much as it "cleanses" the mind, can be exhausting at times. Today's post came to me last week when I was in the office at school. I overheard my principal talking to another teacher about a weight loss competition we're having at school. He simply stated, "It's not a race, it's a marathon." As I walked by, he said, "Right Petska?" I smiled and nodded and realized I could use that analogy in so many other ways in my own life. I thought a lot about this yesterday when I was out training for the 1/2. I had on my rain slicker, running with the wind and rain pelting me in the face and couldn't help but wear a smile on my face. People probably thought I was nuts, but I knew it was something I had to do, to prepare for my run next week. There's only so much you can control in life, the weather is not one of them, and so you have to train for the best and worst of conditions. My mind set was that it was going to be okay, I was running a whopping ten miles, but at some point I would be done and would be able to go back inside my dry, comfy house to stretch, rehydrate and rest. Tackling the hills are kind of the same....there will come a time when I will reach the top and get to feel the wind at my back, but for now I have to focus on how I will beat this hill and not let it beat me....embrace it but not to let one hill define my fight, my battle, and defeat me before I can reach the top. This is so true about how I've dealt with grief. It has robbed me of so much at times, yet I try hard to not let it defeat me and define who I am. Each mile I run is symbolic for each foot I've been able to put forward on this journey. It's not easy, but it's possible. I kept thinking of this little medallion I received from a friend at school. It said "survivor," reminding me that each day, as difficult as it can be, at the end of it, I will have survived. A survivor of what, I'm not quite sure as I'm still learning so much about myself and how B's life and death have changed me. For today, I know I'm a survivor of heartbreak and loss......tomorrow it might be something different as each day poses a new challenge with grief. With the year mark approaching, I can feel the weight on my shoulders as I climb that hill...I'm not sure when I'll reach the top or when I'll get a "break", but I know I have to keep moving, putting one step in front of the other. Owen and Rich, at the forefront of my mind, keep my feet moving and my mind focused on the "reward" at the top of that hill. A year has really only felt like one mile on this life-long journey....it marked a year of firsts....a year of peaks and valleys....a year of trials and tribulations....a year of bittersweet moments. So many times I've heard "How do you do it? How do you move forward with this type of loss?" My answer is often times, "I don't know." I've been thinking a lot about this as sometimes I can answer it by getting to the point and other times I feel robotic, just trying to get through the conversation. I guess what helps anyone get through a grueling “marathon” in life is support, whether we can see it in a physical presence or feel it by leaning on faith, it's there. If there's anything I've learned along the way, it's the goodness in people. So many people have reached out in incredible ways....whether they've sent a message, sent cards with kind or encouraging words, sent gifts, went out for a meal, movie, or a walk, called, a hug, a smile, a gift at school to make my day a bit brighter, a visit at B’s gravesite, a wish upon a star, a blog post, a kind thought, a daily prayer....we are so incredibly grateful. I feel as if we don't give enough thanks to those who have graced us with their love and support along the way. I hear stories of those who have followed us on the blog...strangers or acquaintances of other friends and I'm simply amazed.

Recently, we were sent a donation and letter from a company, DDN. Every quarter this company chooses 1-2 charities to sponsor. They recently held a breakfast for their employees and sold tickets - the money they raised went to Heart of Gold. A member of their charity committee had a child born with a heart defect and came across B's story through our gift bags given to new heart families at CHW. This is an example of how B's story continues to touch the lives of others. Like I said in a previous post, it takes a village to heal a broken family....I love and cherish the village who has helped us in our healing process.

This journey will be life long...each day we will continue to find out how it has affected us, changed us, made us stronger, or weakened us in some way.....it’s a journey, a marathon…..most certainly not a “race.”

A few pics from Grandpa Greg's 60th party we had a year ago on this weekend - B was acting shy while A. Marci was introducing him to friends, playing with Kelli, and being his silly self :)

Reminiscing.......

2010-03-12T20:33:00.005-06:00

A year ago at this time, we were in route to the U.P. to help Grandpa Greg celebrate his 60th birthday. Something wasn't right with the Subaru, so we ventured up north in Grandma Lois's Yukon. Braden loved riding in Grandma Lois's car - he was up high and could see the "world" from where he was sitting. It was one of our best car rides up north as B was so entertained with all the "monster" trucks we were passing along the way. When we finally arrived (at midnight), Gramma Patsy and Grandpa Greg were eagerly waiting our arrival. Since Cousin Trevor generously gave all of his trucks, cars, and race car tracks to B to play with at G'ma's, it was nearly impossible to pull him away after being introduced to "Match Box Heaven." He had his red gorilla (gungrilla as B would say) jammies on and took a liking to one truck in particular. This "milk truck", as he called it, became his all time favorite truck and went with him wherever he went that weekend. He raced race cars with Grandpa that next day and savored every minute of getting to play with all his "new" cars and trucks.

B was always a great sleeper until we went to g'ma and g'pa's house. Since he slept in the same room with us up there, I would open my eyes bright and early to the cutest little blue eyed boy. He'd have his blanky and Diego in hand waiting to be lifted into bed with us, displaying a grin from ear to ear...."Good mornin' Mama." He'd lay in the middle of Rich and myself and play with the fringe of his blanky. There were times he'd fall back asleep or just lay there, stroking my cheek. I miss every ounce of this little boy....it still doesn't seem right or even possible that he's gone.....sigh.....

Attached are pics of 2 quilts we had made of B's favorite jammies and shirts. We had this made before Thanksgiving. The entire planning process was amazing - the woman who made the quilts did a phenomenal job and really put so much of B into each quilt. The first two pics are the front and back of the larger quilt. All of B's favorite cartoons border the quilt with the same material from his blanky marking the corners (she even made sure to make it fringy - just how he liked it). The back of the quilt has designated spots for Heart of Gold, CHW T's, and a special corner for Owen (those are Owen's footprints and the hat he came home in). The material on the back of the quilt is from B's Diego sheets.

The smaller quilt was made with pockets for us to place things in of B's and/or pieces of writing for the quilt. The back of the quilt is his Diego pillowcase. She is so talented and was so in tune with how to best represent B on this quilt. Amazing...simply amazing.

Special Friends....Special Wishes......

2010-03-11T20:59:00.004-06:00

Another birthday wish...to a very special boy with a very special heart....Caden Marshall Smith is one today! The story of Caden: Our neighbor-friend Erin came to us last winter to let us know of a family who found out in utero that they were having a baby with HLHS. Immediately, I wanted to run to that family, hug them and tell them that everything was going to be okay....B was living proof that kiddos are tough, resilient and thrive even after enduring the medical marathons at such a young age. But, well, strangers just don't do that...right? With the help of Erin, we started an e-mail correspondence with the Smith's, offering encouragement as they embarked on this new journey. I remember cheering at my computer after I had read how they chose to have Caden's surgeries performed in Milwaukee (they live in Illinois). I know I might be biased, but CHW is absolutely the best with their amazing staff of doctors and nurses. Caden was born on March 11th, and we followed his progress on the blog his parents created for him. His first surgery, the Norwood, was performed on March 16th. That evening, we found ourselves in the same PICU, surrounded by the same doctors and nurses Caden was with that day/night. I remember as we walked out of there, I looked down the hallway and wondered about the Smith family...were they there? Were they in a room just like we were 2.5 years ago, watching their son fight for his life? How will we ever break the news to this family...this family who we've been encouraging and giving hope to? Even though we were walking away with empty arms, my heart was still thinking of another family and their own fears through all of this. :sigh:

We briefly met the Smith's for the first time in October at the Brigg's and Al Walk/Run. We were finally able to connect with them this past weekend at the Healing Garden event. I know God has connected us with special people in our lives - the Smith's and the story of how we are connected is proof in how God is assisting us in every step we make on this journey. We received a special gift from the Smith's today - thank you Melissa and David. Happy Birthday Caden!

PS...I'm unsure of the random scribble/scrabble comments we are receiving on the blog...just ignore until Rich or myself can remove them.

Birthday Wishes!

2010-03-10T21:01:00.006-06:00

Happy Birthday Kelli! Last year, Kelli celebrated her birthday on March 15th, and we were fortunate to still be in Munising to help her celebrate her 8th birthday. Gramma Patsy bought a Littlest Pet Shop toy for Braden to give to Kelli. We wrapped it and talked all morning about how we were going to go to Kelli's for her birthday party and have cake! B sure loved his sweets. -sidebar- He SO loved his sweets that when Gramma Patsy came around, B would somehow get to eat her famous cookies morning, noon, and night :) We ended up giving up on nap time as B was just too excited for the party - after numerous attempts, up the stairs to tuck him back in, snuggle him up with his blanky, doggy, Dora, Diego, and other Diego, we finally gave in - to Kelli's we went! B had a ball playing with all of the toys at Carla's and following Kelli wherever she went. He helped her open up her gifts and even snuggled with her in her new comforter. I dedicate this post not only to Kelli but to all who were touched in some way by B's smile, wit, charm, and loving spirit. Carla has told me how Kelli has a box for Braden where she puts things that remind her of B. She once told Carla that her comforter has Braden sprinkles on it b/c of how he had himself wrapped up in it at her birthday party. This makes my heart smile, yet it also makes it hurt knowing how many people were affected and saddened by B's sudden loss.

There are so many who have reached out to share their own special stories of B - you have either written them here on the blog or through e-mail. It means so much to hear how much B has touched your life in one way or another.

Tonight, I will leave you with pics from that special birthday party. Happy birthday Kelli - may you feel a gentle breeze against your cheek to let you know B is always near.

2010-03-09T20:57:00.004-06:00

"Where this love, there is always hope."

Driving in Reverse.....

2010-03-08T20:29:00.003-06:00

What is it that makes our mind wander back to a place in time just by the smell of a new season, a certain perfume, or the way a room looks or feels? Why does the first snowfall put that little flutter inside of us and move us into the Christmas spirit instantly? What is it about the smell of fall and the sight of colorful leaves that makes us crave apple cider, cinnamon donuts, and a pumpkin farm? What is it about the smell of spring that fast forwards our mind to a warm summer's night with the crickets chirping and the fresh breeze blowing through an open window? It's amazing how much our senses directly connect to our emotions. Unfortunately as most embrace this time of year, I'm bracing, holding back, gripping my seat for the worst. There have already been glimpses of that raw, painful gut feeling I had for so long that just lingered for months - the emptiness, longing, shattered hope, brokenness, and the intense feeling of loss - so intense you feel like you can't breath at times, so intense you feel like it takes every bit of energy to just move one step forward. Those glimpses can be so powerful and can be triggered by the littlest things - zipping Owen's coat, getting out the stroller, making dinner, running the bath water, finding a sock, a commercial on TV - you name it, B and his reminded absence is everywhere. How can those feelings be brought back in an instant? sigh...they're here....they're back and I'm not sure how long they will stay.....sigh....big deep sigh.....

Wings of Angels Endowment

2010-03-07T10:14:00.003-06:00

Well, missing a day isn't what I had intended. I was going to write something before midnight struck, but we didn't arrive home until after the midnight hour last night. While Gramma Patsy was able to get her quality time with Owen, Rich, Marci, and myself drove to Milwaukee for a benefit (Wings of Angels Endowment) for another heart family. The benefit was in honor and memory of Carsyn Buchmann, a baby girl who too had HLHS and earned her angel wings this past September. We followed her story as she fought for almost 4 months to overcome the many obstacles in her little life and for her parents to be able to bring her home - something they were sadly never able to do. Now her parents' fight begins - to spread awareness of CHD and help build a healing garden at Children's. The garden will offer a private location for families to "get away." It will be a place for patients to escape hospital life when they are feeling better....it will be a place to provide hope for patients and families. It was a beautiful event and it was amazing to see the amount of support this family has received along their journey. We were able to attend this event with our special friends, the Slagers and the Wallaces. Among the attendees were doctors, nurses, therapists, and other heart families we knew or just met for the first time. Seeing and speaking with Kathryn (B's speech path), Dr. Ghanayem, the nurses, and many of the heart families we knew, brought on emotions I didn't expect to feel as the night wore on. The Buchmann's made a video highlighting the children who are survivors of CHD and those who have sadly lost their battle. Braden was among those they highlighted in the video. The music, the words, the pictures...wow....there wasn't a dry eye in the place. Dr. Ghanayem spoke about how much they have learned from every CHD child, including Braden, Nevaeh, and Carsyn. It felt good to hear this, although I would've given every bone in my body to be on the "other side." As I've stated in past posts, you grieve so much more than the child you've lost....you grieve their presence, their future, and everything about your life that involved your child. For us, one part of our life we grieve is everything that is encompassed in the "heart world" - the doctors, nurses, clinic visits, and the ability to place your child as one of the "poster children" for HLHS. At one point in the night, I said to Jamie, "Wow, this really sucks to be on this side of the road." I guess I can express myself better in writing than when I speak :) I actually said this last night as I was trying to speak with another heart mom about our own journey. I felt like I was talking in circles, trying so hard to get to the point, but felt like I just couldn't "nail it." It's so difficult to put these emotions into words at times. Writing actually helps me to cleanse what I harbor so deeply inside. I might not always make sense as I tend to ramble at times, but for me, allowing the darkness to escape has allowed more light to pour in. Thank you for continuing to read, for expressing your kind, encouraging words, and extending your continuous support through thought, prayer, and written encouragement.

Unexpected Moments......

2010-03-05T21:56:00.003-06:00

Every new day I hope to unravel a little bit more of the tangled mess, to make sense out of my/our new life, yet the day tends to unravel itself on its own, without me having a "say" in it. This can lead to unexpected moments when emotions arise and take over in an instant. The unpredictability...well, it's less than desirable.

Today I was caught off guard when I went to lunch with some co-worker friends. We sat next to a table that held a mom, grandma, baby, and a little boy. Although I've seen many toddler-aged children and have been able to disconnect myself, today it was very different. The little boy looked so much like Braden, and I couldn't help but glance over at him, many times, throughout the lunch. It wasn't until I got in the car did I lose it (sorry Melissa). The little boy was sitting in a booster, behaving himself, wearing little rubber boots, and all I could do was imagine B sitting there, enjoying a lunch date with Grandma Lois. It's those moments that can literally take my breath away and change the course of my day, emotionally. The pain surfaced and hovered there for the remainder of the day. Another unexpected moment came this evening when we made a trip out to Target. I ventured into the Easter aisle, and once again I found myself having shortness of breath - I just had to get out of there. Thomas the Train, coloring books, Little People, tub toys, monster trucks, and lots and lots of chocolate (pronounced with long O's as B would say). Some of these items reminded me of what we either bought or were going to buy for B last year - sigh - here's a moment I'm kicking and screaming, "It's just not fair."

What makes me sad is that by protecting myself from the pain, I try and distract my mind from reminding me of what I'm missing, my son. I tend to feel selfish in the fact that I'm trying to shoo away Braden moments just to keep from feeling the intense pain. AND that I even put Braden and the word pain in the same sentence...it just doesn't feel right....but then again, what does in this entire process? Grief and the endless boundaries....I wish we knew where one point ended and another began........

Love has no boundaries.......

2010-03-04T21:22:00.006-06:00

Tonight my mom and sister came down to visit for the weekend. It sure feels good to have them here and have Owen get some lovin' from his Gramma Patsy and Auntie Marci - we have not seen them since Christmas. It also makes my heart hurt knowing there's someone missing when they come to visit. Braden was attached to Auntie Marci's hip when she came to visit - he would stand in his bed and call to her when he woke up. At the top of his lungs all you could here was, "Aaaaauntieeeee Marrrrrciiiiii, I'm uuup!" Even though we don't speak of this, I know they wear their pain so closely to their hearts. That's one hard lesson I've had to learn about grief. So many other people are grieving the loss of this little boy, yet I feel so wrapped up in my own grief, that I don't put myself in their shoes, wondering how they must be coping. B is not only our son, but a brother, grandson, nephew, cousin, and friend to so many. You would think that being so close to family and sharing such a similar loss, that we would talk about it more, but I guess we don't have to....we know....how it feels to laugh and cry in the same breath and question how it is we've "survived" this last year. I guess I can answer that we've survived it together, providing strength to each other, acknowledging each others pain (in our own special way), being gentle to one another, and allowing the tears to come and go as they so often do. Grief has no boundaries even though we try so hard to understand where the line is or should be drawn at times.

Swiper no Swiping.......

2010-03-03T20:43:00.009-06:00

There is a story behind every photo of Braden - whether he just popped a new tooth, marked a new milestone, got into mischief, or mama and dadda just wanted to capture his funny little personality on film; the picture holds meaning. Well, this picture believe it or not has held one of my all time favorite memories of B and his wit. This pic was taken to update our charity website - it was taken at his Christmas session in 2008. Thank goodness for photo shop b/c this was not the original head in this photo. Yes, ladies and gentleman, Kim cut off his head in another photo to gently place it onto his body to make this picture just right :) But, that's not the story. The reason she had to "head edit" was because this was the end of the photo session and we were pushing our limit with cooperation from a 2 year old :) We had to bribe B with mini-marshmallows to sit and smile. So, he did just that until he was done with his marshmallow and away he went. Then, it became a game...he thought it was fun to smile, say cheese and run away. On one of the last shots, he smiled, said cheese, and whipped the teddy bear behind him. He then said in his Dora Swiper voice, "You'll never get your teddy bear now -ha-ha-haaaa." I looked at Kim absolutely stunned that he'd say such a thing until Kim reminded me that that's what Swiper the Fox says on Dora. Oh, yes, B's favorite show.....he never once did this at home, so you can imagine my surprise when he says this (in an evil Swiper tone) at Kim's. Oh B, you surely knew how to put a smile on our face.......

"See"

2010-03-02T22:03:00.003-06:00

This journey has been more than just that, it has been more than just experiencing grief, it has been about learning how to embrace and take in the beauty that surrounds us each and everyday. Even on the days where sorrow fills my heart and tears sting my eyes, I am given signs that life is still moving, the earth is still beating, and my heart is still loving. Even on the days when it takes every bone in my body to get out of bed, I am somehow given a sign of hope from above. Braden taught me early on to look around and "see"....to pay attention to what's around us - the beauty in all of God's creations. He's teaching me something everyday about life and living....giving and caring.....leading and loving. I'm not sure what the purpose of Braden's death was, but I know the purpose of his life. It was short, but it was full....of love....of inspiration.....of care free smiles and hugs.....of giggling laughter and playful times...and making sure we "see" what's around us each and everyday.

A co-worker/friend gave me a CD by Steven Curtis Chapman. Although he wrote this song (and CD) through the tears he shed of tragically losing his own child, the words are so incredibly powerful. They spoke to my heart and even though I can't help but cry everytime I hear it, there is a sense of peace that allows me to take another step forward on this journey.

Take a listen......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-25KlfLJOFg

I guess my mission with the March blogs is to mark everyday with something I've gained, lost and learned along the way.

"March"ing along......

2010-03-01T22:23:00.004-06:00

Dear March,
I'm still unsure on how you "fit" into our lives as you are a place in time where Braden's last moments were lived and yet it's the time when he left this earth way too soon. I've tried to come up with ways over Braden's short life to pause time or even stop it, so we could embrace the time in his life where he grew so incredibly quickly. Even on "that" night and many nights after, we begged to go back and even pleaded with God to bring him back to us. We begged to no avail, as it is not humanly possible to accomplish these tasks. As a mother, you're desperate to do anything to get your child back even though you know in your mind it's not possible. Oh, March, how I dreaded you for months and even though you lurked in the distance, I didn't know you could consume us once again like you did just a year ago. All day I knew it was the first of March and yet it wasn't until I had to write the first check out did it really sink in. In past posts, I've spoken about the moments I'm able to "live" through and the moments that catch me by surprise. I heard a mourning dove this morning, the first time since winter came. It flooded my mind with Braden quotes, "It's a mourning dove - sounds like an owl," just like it flooded my eyes with tears. Oh how those moments can just take you by surprise. I put on a pair of tennis shoes tonight - ones I had to dig out of the closet - the only thought I had when I put them on was, the last time I wore these Braden was still alive. Who has ever wanted to hug a pair of tennis shoes? Oh my, these moments are mommy moments...mommy moments when she misses her son so incredibly much she would do just about anything to feel his presence again. Oh March, what shall we do with you...the year mark is quickly approaching...please be kind to our hearts.

11 Months

2010-02-17T20:43:00.023-06:00

Dear B, I can't help but think of last year...at this time....and everything you did to capture our hearts, make us smile, and make us the proudest parents of an amazing little boy. I can't help but think about all the fun moments we had last year at this time - I want to hold onto the memories as long as I can before we have to say good-bye to these "a year ago" moments. Just last weekend someone reminded me about Lake Geneva's Winter Fest. Instantly, I remembered last year and how warm it was - the sculptures ruined in the warmth which stopped us from going to Winterfest. Instead we played outside, dug out your tricycle, and played in the warm sun as "Fool's Spring" rocked February and gave us a taste of an early spring. Just so I wasn't crazy, I went to the computer and pulled up these photos and found the date to be exact, February 7, 2009.

Who could stop a playful toddler in the snow - certainly not the mama who dressed her boy in pants and shoes when there's still snow on the ground:)

In the house we went and put on your "worker guy" flannel and winter garb. Oh what fun we had! I distinctly remember you asking me that day if your friends were going to be outside to play with you. It absolutely melted my heart....you were starting to become such a big boy.

On February 21st, we had a snow day and allowed us to have one more day in the snow. You were playing hide and seek with your buddy Jack and wanted to play in his snow covered sandbox - you sure did love your trucks! Another image of you popped in my head as I looked at these photos - you hugging Jack, telling him everything was going to be okay when he was crying one night. You had such a big heart - so much love to give.

There are so many days and nights I feel so lost without you. I rock Owen and cry when my arms become empty again after I put him to bed. Sometimes I find myself holding Owen as long as I can at night just so the night doesn't have to end and another day doesn't have to start without you. You'd just love your baby brother and all that he is becoming with his sweet, serious, playful, happy self. He's on the move, rolling, scooting, and ending up in places he never knew existed. I know you would tell on him or let me know what he was doing just like you would tell on Jimminy. It makes me smile to hear your sweet voice in my head.

Another "last year" memory was when mama was able to go with you to story hour. In honor and celebration of Lincoln's birthday, Ms. Penny & Ms. Cindy read Who Made This Cake? You were so excited that you rattled off all the trucks in your high pitch voice. You sang your songs and made me so proud. Although I was tickled to be apart of such a special moment, it made me sad that was my one and only story hour I shared with you. Ms. Penny and Ms. Cindy gave that book to Owen, so we can continue to remember and celebrate those special moments we shared with you. Speaking of books, I bought Owen a book of Truckery Rhymes. I read it to him knowing how much you'd love it too, hoping you are near to hear me as I read it.

Missing you, loving you, remembering you, honoring you...always....

Holding you closer to our hearts,
Your Mama

Dear Bloggers,
I'm hopelessly searching for ways to make meaning out of everything. I feel as if my emotions are one big tangled mess - as I attempt to untangle it, it gets worse, knotting in other areas that weren't meant to get tangled. I'm searching for ways to untangle it and make sense of everything. A good friend of mine gave me a key and wrote inside a card that went with it, "There's got to be a key to unlocking the answers. A key to remembering B, and living a happy life 'til you and your whole family are together again. A key to feeling better, feeling joy, not numbness, and feeling normal." It's so incredibly true. I'm searching for that key to unlock so many answers and hoping that someday I can truly find and feel peace in my heart.

I'm still in that phase of not understanding my feelings (that's obvious by my tangled mess expression). I'm surviving, but far from thriving....I can laugh at anything and cry in the same breath....I can smile when I talk about B, yet break down at the littlest things I miss about him....I can be in the presence of children, but turn down an invitation to a birthday party.....I can put Owen in the same crib as Braden, but I can't read the same books.....I can greet my colleagues with a smile, but I can't say "great" when asked how I'm doing. Although there are times I cannot cry for myself, I do become broken when I think of the mom who lost her son and yet "that" mom is me. To try and find answers, I reached out and spoke to Braden as I was driving to work one morning. Tearfully I apologized for the lack of tears and the ability to "move on" without him. I also explained to him how I was trying to figure out my feelings and the big "tangled mess." After I wiped away the tears, I changed the radio station. At that moment, a song I haven't heard in a while came on and instantly I knew someone was trying to tell me something. The song was, "When I get where I'm going" by Brad Paisley and Dolly Parton. (copy and past to view: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYHT-TF4KO4) Every word spoke to me that morning. As I was walked into school, I looked down and there was a capital letter B lying face down in the parking lot. That day, He gave me a sense of peace.

As we approach the year mark, I'm dragging my heals. I have one month before I can no longer say what B was doing exactly a year ago. Instead, I'll be reminded of devastation and how my body, heart, and soul deeply ached with brokenness yet "survived" this type of loss.

On the upswing side of things, the University of Wisconsin Whitewater sponsored Heart of Gold as their charity to support this year. A big thank you to Pat Miller and his Men's Basketball Team. The team sold the rest of our Heart of Gold bracelets and raffled off a flat screen TV and silent auction items to raise money. We were also able to go to the the game and sell t-shirts, bears, and continue to spread B's story and raise awareness for Congenital Heart Defects. We were also able to be apart of a special day with the Wallace family as they celebrated Nevaeh's life and what would have been her 2nd birthday on Valentine's Day. They were very successful in their fundraising efforts for the playroom (www.playroomofhope.com). We were able to see and meet many other heart families who also attended this event. It was a good feeling to know that we are still very much apart of the heart community. It's amazing how connected we all are and what a close-knit community the heart world is :)

Lastly, I want to share how I've been "surviving" the winter. I snagged my sis into looking for a 1/2 marathon to run in March to help honor B and to help distract me this winter. Well, we found one alright! On March 21st we'll be running in the March Madness 1/2 in Cary. I mentioned the run to one of my co-workers (a non-runner by the way) and now we have a little team running on this date. Below is the t-shirt logo that my cousin/Godson Nick designed for us. Even though I've questioned myself as to why on earth I would train for something like this in the dead of winter, I think and even say out loud, "I've been through worse."

Of course, how could I end a blog without a few pics of Owen - 8.5 months old! He is truly the definition of hope, joy, and beautiful blessings.

Sweet Memories of You

2010-01-18T14:48:00.012-06:00

Dear B,
Yesterday was a pretty big day for us and it started out great with the sun shining brightly on our faces. About a month or so ago, we were contacted by the Brigg's and Al Team at Children's asking if they could come do a story on you, your life, and how much CHW made an impact on your life. We were tickled. How could we ever turn down an opportunity to talk about our own little miracle? So much of our heartache has been the inability to share your life like we used to. As the day drew near, I looked around the house trying to come up with the best way to share your story, honor you, and let the world see you through our eyes. Honestly, where do I begin? It is evident, you are present all over this house. From the photographs and videos, to your guitar and Johny Cash hat, to your favorite books, closet of toys, your room (now Owen's)then and now, your teddy bear, the quilt with all your clothing sewn together to the welcome home sign still hanging in the garage. Thank goodness for editing right? As the interview progressed, I hadn't been aware of how much I have missed that part of our lives - the heart world, the hospital world, the doctors, nurses. You might not have liked the clinic visits as much, but your daddy and I sure did. It was our chance to show how much you've grown, how much you could do, how funny you were, and what big hopes there were for you and your future. Sigh - there's so much of you we miss - everyday something new.

Owen is getting so big - he tries to bark back at the dog when he plays with Jimminy. He's finally starting to get the hang of rolling - he's just content to sit and play :) I read him your favorite ABC book last night. I got to some of your favorite parts and read it like I used to read it to you. The hardest part was when I got to the letter B - I just couldn't personalize that part anymore. I look into his eyes and as much as he melts my heart, it hurts knowing you can't share these same moments with us as his big brother.

What does a hug from heaven feel like? Can you help me with this?
Keeping you close to our hearts,
Your Mama

Dear Bloggers,
I'm not sure where I am with my grief right now. I guess a reprieve from the heavy pain would be a pretty good description. I'm not sure if I "like" this place I'm in as it's a place I analyze the grief so much more and question why I feel "good" or somewhat okay. I've read and have been told to not feel guilty when you're at the peak and not the valley, when the mud is thinner vs thicker, when the gloom and emptiness isn't present all the time. It's like a "break" from the grief. I've been told to embrace it as it's truly just that - a "break." You would think anyone would want that reprieve right? Oddly enough, once I'm "here", I don't feel as close to B and his memories - they're not as clear, as sharp, and I find myself forgetting moments that were once apart of my everyday routine. It's frustrating as I question, "Is there a happy medium?" Can the pain and laughter co-exist? Can the tears and smiles be worn on the same face? Deep down, I know the answer....it's just getting to where I can wear that answer on my heart and feel it for myself.

Yesterday's interview with Children's allowed us to re-visit some paths of Braden's life we don't get to visit or share as much anymore. It felt good to talk about the hope that was once provided to so many heart families and see that our B still "lives" and shines through all the special moments and memories we share of him. I couldn't help but look at my little "O" and see the hope that he has been providing to so many. I feel that we are able to love Owen all the more because of the love we had/have for Braden. Pastor Lynn recently wrote to us stating, "The same love that breaks our heart is the very love that makes it keep beating." How very true. Our hearts sure have taken a beating - feeling the intense emotion of love and pain all at once can surely be defining in one's life.

Still trying so hard to figure out where I'm at on this path....thanks again for muddling through so many of my random thoughts.

Stephanie

P.S. I would like to take this opportunity to share with you that the Wallace Family will be hosting a fundraiser for the Playroom of Hope. Once it is built, the Playroom will be a place where patients and families can go during their hospital stay at CHW. We met the Wallace family shortly after their daughter, Nevaeh, passed away with the same heart condition that B had. We have been a great support system for each other during these tough, tough times. Nevaeh would have been two this Valentine's Day, so it is a very special day indeed! The fundraiser will take place on Valentine's day in Madison - It will be a day filled with fun activities for kids along with a luncheon, raffle prizes, and a silent auction. You can get more info about the event on the following website: www.partyfortheplayroom.com

2010 - Will you be as bittersweet?

2010-01-03T13:37:00.014-06:00

B,
Happy New Year! How does heaven celebrate a new day...a new year...a new decade? I hope you played your monica (harmonica) and sang twinkle twinkle nice and loud. Starting a new year wasn't any different than starting a new day without you. Christmas came and went - we tried hard to honor you as best we could - through the tears, heartache, and longing - it was tough, but I think you would be proud. We were able to place an ornament on a tree at the funeral home in your honor. It was a beautiful ornament that proudly stated your name along with your birth and death dates. We placed it just where you could reach it - where I thought you would have stood, nice and tall. We then celebrated your life in a little ceremony for all those who passed away this year. It was nice, but once again, a reminder that sitting where we were/are just didn't and still doesn't feel right. I also wanted to shop for you and donate the toys I bought to Toys for Tots. As I began to peruse the toy aisle, I became frustrated....what would you want this year? What could I buy? These unanswered questions are what really rattles me as you mama "should" know these kinds of things. I guess you knew you should help me, because I looked down and there was your favorite truck book staring at me. I picked up two b/c I knew it was a book that could give excitement to two boys and not just one. Just like that, I had a little pile of many of your favorite toys - I even found your truck puzzle you loved to put together and the doctor kit that helped ease your fear of Dr. Joe's stethoscope. I guess you'll always be 2 because I never got to see you and know you at 3. We spent Christmas this year with Grandma Patsy and Papa Greg. Before we left, we stopped by to "see you" and hang an ornament on the tree that stands by your site. We propped up the wreath, dusted off the snow, and to our amazement, the Christmas lights were still working - I think you lent a helping hand to good ol' Duracell :) This year at Grandma and Papa's, the snowman wasn't as tall, but it was just as round. Owen took his turn getting his picture taken with it. Santa found us up north, and I would've loved to have seen you help Owen open up his gifts. Just trying to imagine not only you with your gifts, but helping Owen play with his brought a smile through the tears. You would be so marveled and amazed at Owen and his great bigs smiles and squealing laughter....he is so loved and yet it seems he returns it in two fold - almost like you're loving us through him as well.

Not a moment goes by where I don't laugh and instantly think of you....not a day goes by where I don't wish you were here....not a night goes by where I don't long to kiss and hug you good night....

Loving you always and missing you more and more each day.
Holding you close to our hearts,
Your mama

Dear Bloggers,
As the "new year" approached and we counted down to midnight, so much around us changed....it's now a new year, a new decade.....yet, on the inside, there's so much that's the same. I'm really not one for making resolutions b/c I tend to forget about them and ultimately don't follow what I had originally signed up to change. Usually my change is small as I'm not a smoker and don't seem to carry a lot of bad habits (Rich might think differently about this statement :) This year, however, I would like to resolve to carry less anger in my heart and offer more of myself to others....something I haven't been able to do lately and have felt the ache of this absence. Sigh..grief...it's not only a process, but a journey....one that I know will be life long in so many ways. As I round each bend in this journey, I seem to face another obstacle...one that I didn't see coming, whether it be a new feeling I've discovered, a new "problem" we've encountered, or something else I've learned about the "new me." I call it an obstacle b/c it's something I didn't see coming or didn't know existed with grief. I studied grief in college...through a theology class with an amazing professor. I thought I understood the stages of grief as best I could even though I never really experienced a close death. Silly me to even think that the 5 stages were meant to go in order, be so rigid, and never return to any previous stages. Boy was I wrong! It's so much more - if you've read the updates, maybe you can see my footprints I've left on this journey and determine that grief's process is kind of all over the place. This blog was meant for Braden's journey - his journey of survival and to show his many badges of courage, strength, and resilience through all that he lived through. Now this blog has traced a journey of so much more....more than I ever envisioned as this is not how B's story was supposed to be written. I couldn't help but think about this blog as I flipped through People Magazine's "The Year in Review" edition (thanks Erin:). All I kept thinking about was our year in review - what a year! Looking at a new year, so many are quick to say, "So long 2009....good-bye year from hell....take a hike you crappy year you.....hello 2010, let this be the best year yet....let's make the most of this new year, a fresh start." I was actually speechless. How do you say good-bye to a year in which you welcomed a new child, yet how do you not say good-bye to the year that brought you the most unimaginable pain? I guess that unchanged "feeling inside" I told you about earlier sums it up....there's really no change. So I guess, I will continue to live each day, hoping to relieve some of that anger from within; I pray for the sun to shine each day as that helps tremendously; I will continue to look at Owen's precious smiles and think that he's smiling for two; I will make small steps to try and offer selfless acts of kindness for that HAS to help ease the burden of a broken heart.... Thanks for muddling through these thoughts on a "new year" with me.

Before I sign off, I'd like to share one more thing. Lately, I have had that feeling that I just can't seem to let go. How in the world are we designed to just move on when our loved ones pass away? It was a feeling I just couldn't put into words until we received the follwing excerpt in an e-mail from a dear friend: "I believe you will always have heartache for B, but that's because you have so much love for him. That's the chance we take by opening our hearts up to love someone so freely. But I ask you, 'is there any other way you would have loved him?'" My answer to this question is "No"...I wouldn't have loved B any other way and I guess that is the risk we take when we love someone so much. If given a choice, I guess I'd rather feel this pain than feel nothing at all.

Love, peace, health, and happiness in the new year,
Stephanie

Live simply.
Love generously.
Speak kindly.
Care deeply.
Leave the rest to God.

I just had to share one of the best moments of Christmas last year when B discovered Santa put a little addition onto his Geo-Tracks set. We enjoyed reliving Christmas through Braden's eyes by watching the DVD we filmed of him last year.

Where are you Christmas?

2009-12-17T22:59:00.005-06:00

Dear B,
Has it really been 9 months? Did another month without you really pass us by? It still doesn't seem real, although it feels like you've been away from us forever. I dream about you - I feel it when I awake, but for the life of me I cannot remember the dream. I so badly want that feeling of knowing when, how, and where I held you again, even if it was a dream....

Tonight I showed Owen your favorite Christmas book, Can You See What I See? The Night Before Christmas. I remembered how you would look at that book for what seemed like hours pointing out all the things you recognized and could name. As I turned the pages, I couldn't help but feel a wrinkle in the page or a warn mark in the book, for I know it was you who last touched it, it was you who made that distinguishing mark. I'm finding myself doing this lately - touching things you last touched just so I can someway, somehow feel your presence again. I sit here once again blinded by tears as I can't help but think of last year and all the things we did to mark new traditions with you....seeing Santa, Trees on Parade, the Christmas parade, making your first gingerbread house, and falling in love with the twinkling of Christmas lights. I can't help but hear your voice in my head saying, "Christmas lights mama, Christmas lights." The one house with the snowman doesn't have his up this year - I was almost tempted to go knock on his door and explain how much joy you received when he had his up through February. I chickened out.

I must share with you how Santa made a special stop here for Owen last weekend. He knew what a special boy you were and missed seeing you this year at the Firehouse. He knows how extra special Owen has been, and had to make a special trip on the firetruck to come see your brother. Your dad and I thought that was super. You would be so proud of Owen. He's getting bigger by the minute, he has his first tooth, eats like a champ, is sitting up on his own, plays peek-a-boo, and squeals with excitement in his jump-a-roo. I often wonder what you would say to him...I look at him and wonder if he will itch his nose exactly like you did...just one of the many things I ponder...sigh....

The stars that shine brightly in the sky, the extra pink streaks as the sun rises, a bird soaring above, a nest balancing on a tree limb, a gentle breeze that touches my cheek......signs you are near....signs you are present....always reminding me to "look","pay attention", and notice God's creations.

Always on our minds, forever locked in our hearts, and holding you closer than ever my sweet, precious little boy,
Your Mama

Dear Bloggers,
Not much to say - my heart is heavier than ever, and...well...that weight can be a burden to bear. We continue to ask for your prayers as we gently embrace another "first" with our Owen and yet another without our B.

Below is one of another amazing moments Kim has captured.

Embrace your loved ones extra tight this holiday season,
Stephanie

Bittersweet Days...

2009-11-27T12:11:00.003-06:00

"Undo it, take it back, make every day the previous one until I am returned to the day before the one that made you gone. Or set me on an airplane traveling west, crossing the date line again and again, losing this day, then that, until the day of loss still lies ahead, and you are here instead of sorrow." -Nessa Rapoport

Although I am not the one who wrote or even found these words, I feel they are appropriate for what has been on my heart lately. With each passing day, and with another holiday here and gone, I'm once again in disbelief that this really is our life. Are we really designed to "go on" without our loved ones allowing time to let us get used to it all??? Really? How is this even possible? I've been trying so hard to mark first holidays for Owen and allow ourselves to "celebrate" them....for him....for our son. There is a reason when we say "bittersweet" that the "bitter" part comes first. It's something one cannot help when it just seems incredibly impossible that we marked this first Thanksgiving without our Braden. And yet, it's something we have to get used to? I will say this again like I've said a million times, "It's just not fair." Yesterday I felt like Fred Flinstone, trying to use my heels to stop the car as we approached Rich's aunt and uncle's house for dinner. It was like subconsciously my heart & soul just didn't want to reach the destination - it would mean indeed that we are moving on and that still doesn't feel right.

I can't help but look at these next 4 weeks and grumble as Holiday Hell begins to consume everyone. When I say Holiday Hell, I mean the hustle and bustle, the stress and everything commercialized that comes with Christmas these days. Last year, we looked at the holidays through Braden's eyes - with added excitement, new traditions, and an appreciation for the miracle of life that stood before us. I find myself kicking and screaming, throwing a tantrum, not wanting this Christmas to come and go without my "B." Yet, that is what we're conditioned to do right? Just carry on?

Oh bloggers, my candle of hope has not been extinguished....just a bit dimmed lately. Please pray for us....please don't forget us....we're still here....we might not call or write....but we're still here....hanging on....please, please pray for us.

Thanks for checking in,
Steph

Stuck in the Mud!

2009-11-16T20:32:00.011-06:00

B's Last Day On Earth....

Dear B,
I come to this picture so often and am reminded of that last day we spent with you - you loved going to the park and you had so much fun with "the kids" as you would call your little pals. I vividly remember telling you we had to go home, and I was waiting for you to come down the slide. You didn't want to slide down, so you sat at the top, pumped your fist in the air and shouted, "Rock and Roll" over and over again. Where you came up with some of your funny phrases, I will never know. You sure knew how to keep a constant smile on our faces. It was exactly 8 months ago today that our lives were perfectly intact. If I would've known that God awaited your presence just hours later, I would've rocked you all night and never let go....I would've slept beside you in your bed.....I would've sung to you and said "I loved you" until I could no longer speak.....I would've tried everything in my power to bottle your scent.....only..if only...we would've known. I can relive this night over and over and yet it still doesn't seem possible that you're not here. Lately, so many of those sweet memories of you have been filling up my day. I look at your winter boots and remember you stomping around the house in them saying, "March, march, march and march and march!" When I drive to school, I can hear your sweet voice telling me to play "My tunes Mama, my tunes" on the Ipod. I see Christmas lights now and I know you would be tickled to see them on display. I remember letting you sit at the computer while I made dinner, so you could see the YouTube Christmas lights set to music. Your favorite book this time of year was the toy catalog - you would study it for what seemed like hours, asking about and wanting all the trucks and fun toys that were advertised. Oh my little buddy, I don't know how we will ever survive these first holidays without you.

Your little brother is THE happiest little baby - I know you are so proud of Owen as you watch over him. Sometimes I think you are here as Owen will start laughing at something we cannot see. We dressed him in a "Scary, Scary Skeleton" (gary, gary geleton as you would say) outfit in honor of you for Halloween. Everytime I visit Walgreens I'm reminded of your fascination with the skeletons they had on display. Owen is starting to grunt and babble and he sounds just like you - absolutely amazing.

We miss you and love you so much B - keep showing your beautiful presence - I'm thinking that seeing 7 hawks on our way home yesterday was no coincidence :)

Holding you closer than ever to our hearts,
Your Mama

Dear Bloggers,
I feel like I'm walking in thick mud, trying like heck to speed up but am reminded of the constant presence of the mud (my friend grief) weighing me down. It's exhausting just to try and maintain balance as I dredge through this mud, making sure I don't fall over. All I can focus on is what lies immediately ahead while everything else is so far out of reach....I'm just trying to survive. In life, we have certain control over what we can obtain whether it's tangible or not. If it's too expensive, we can wait it out, ask for it for Christmas or save our pennies to purchase it later. We even get sad when the season of summer is over, but don't worry it'll be back. When we have a destination in mind whether it be a vacation hot spot or a career goal, it's something we aim for, and it might someday be in reach. The "thing" I long for everday is not in reach and will never be obtained again in this lifetime. That right there is something that can take the air right out of my lungs (try it - exhale until you no longer have a breath of air in your lungs - that heavy feeling that you feel in your lungs when you need to take in another breath - that's how it feels - everyday). Everyday I long for B's presence...a hug...a warm embrace. ::sigh:: Hug and embrace your child or grandchild....a little tighter...a little longer.....every chance you get.

As tomorrow approaches, I ask myself, "How on earth have we survived this?" I'm not sure. I know that our Owen is truly our super hero who has helped heal the battered heart within. God has big plans for our little "healer".....

Thanks for checking in and for continuing to hold us in prayer,
Love Steph

Here are some great Halloween photos of Owen:

It Takes a Village......

2009-10-18T12:15:00.011-05:00

Fall of Last Year.....

Good afternoon B,
I have so much to say...where do I begin? Yesterday marked 7 months - it feels like just yesterday we were taking you trick or treating yet at the same time, it feels like forever since we last held you, kissed you, laughed with you, and told you how much we loved you. There are so many days when I feel like I'm in a daze, trying to figure out how to live this life with you still in it. I wear the necklace with your hand print, a bracelet with your name etched on it, and a teddy bear pin to display your heart of gold....yet it's still not enough. I go to your grave site and try to speak to you.....it's still not enough. I go to bed holding a piece of your blanky.....it's still not enough. I speak to you as much as I can throughout the day....still, it's not enough. Your memories visit my mind quite often and sometimes it feels like I can reach right out and grab you, they are so vivid....and still....it's just not enough. I looked at your picture the other day and studied it so closely and a wave of anger came across me.....why you B? Why you? You were such a good boy, you loved life and everything about it, your voice....oh your voice....what I wouldn't do to hear it again....to hear the excitement it held with everything you would tell us. To really think about "forever" sometimes seems impossible b/c it is so unnatural for a child to leave this earth. I often wonder what you'd want to be this year for Halloween? I look at your Diego costume from last year and crack up whenever I think of the neighbor asking if you were supposed to be Elvis. Would you want to be Diego again this year or would you be interested in something else? All these questions that lie unanswered....sigh. Yesterday I awoke to daddy watching Wonder Pets with Owen. I know he misses our cartoon Saturday just as much as I do. To hear Winny, Tuck, and Ming-Ming was a bittersweet feeling. Oh how I miss you. These words that I write will never scratch the surface of how I truly feel when I state how much I really miss you. Keep sending little signs of your presence. I see so many hawks and wonder if it's you......

Holding you closer than ever to our hearts,
Your Mama

Dear Bloggers,
I've often believed that it takes a village to raise a child. Now, I firmly believe that it takes a village to heal a family. Lately, we've received many small blessings that in the end are incredibly huge...you have no idea. Let me share. First of all, we had an amazing turn out for THE coldest Brigg's and Al Walk/Run. I think it may have reached 44 degree that day, so the morning start was frigid to say the least. We made our goal of $2,000 (2,235 to be exact) as a team and had 28 members walk and run with us - yeah! Below, I've posted our team pic and a news clip that CBS-58 posted of the run/walk. There was a brief shot of our team as we were posing for a team photo (we're cheering as the hospital gal is narrating where the money goes this year). Another blessing was when Ms. Penny from the library dropped off a book for Owen. This book was one of B's favorite books and was actually the book they shared at the only story hour I was able to attend. Inside the book was a Christmas ornament Braden made last year at story hour. This gift was priceless. Another blessing has been the presence of the staff I work with....they have been an amazing support system as I've had to "lean" many times on my colleagues. I am so grateful; they have been there countless times for me this year. Another blessing was a letter we recently received from a stranger. She shared how much she has learned from "B", the life he lived, and how his untimely death has allowed her to appreciate so much more of her own life. Last night, we attended Heart Fest for the Mend a Heart Foundation that the O'Meara's founded. There we met other heart families and were blown away that they too read the blog. The conversation blew my mind as I am so unaware of how many people follow us on here. It has always been a place to share our journey with B....now more than ever it's a place I can share my heart to help with the healing of its brokenness. Thank you to the village of people who are willing to reach out in countless ways. Some of you are so brave to share your stories with us, to post a comment or send an e-mail to keep us going. Thank you for helping us feel that we are not alone, for being on the sidelines helping us get up when we have fallen, allowing us to take yet another step down this path, and for holding the torch when we feel the overwhelming darkness that grief often creates. In so many way we have felt your presence - thank you for continuing to think of us and pray for us.

Love, Stephanie

Braden's Heart of Gold Team

News Link: http://www.cbs58.com/index.php?aid=9507

All of the money our team raised went towards the Playroom of Hope. Every dollar counts...please visit www.playroomofhope.com for more details on you can help another family pay it forward to assist the many children and their families at CHW. Thank you Jamie, Brielle, and Patty for walking with us Saturday in honor of Nevaeh. We would also like to thank the Slager Family & Team Super Sam who honored "B" this year during the walk.

Of course our post wouldn't be complete without new pics of Owen. Here is the happy babe at 4 Months...

Surviving.....

2009-09-21T18:16:00.010-05:00

Yesterday I went to church (first time in over 2 months - since our pastor left). As I sat waiting for my turn to go up for communion, I whispered...."Oh God, why did you take our Braden....why do you need him more than we need him here on earth?" Since I cannot multi-task (I know, strange for a woman to admit), I did not realize the song that was playing while I was praying. The song was, "Children of the Heavenly Father." This was a song they played at Braden's funeral. Although I wasn't for certain at first, I immediately (and frantically) turned the hymnal to the song and read the verses that were being sung before me. There it was....staring straight at me: "Though He giveth or He taketh, God His children ne’er forsaketh; His, the loving purpose solely; To preserve them pure and holy." Was that God's answer right there in black and white? One must believe....

So, lately as I peel the layers of grief, I find it more difficult to "function." The denial is gone and I wish so badly it would return....just to protect me from the brutal reality that it's "forever." The thought consumes me at times and brings me to a state of pain so sharp, it's literally hard to breathe. I know I've stated this numerous times, but I feel like it's more frequent and more apparent as we continue to live and carry on our lives without Braden. All the continuation of "firsts" as fall approaches has me so guarded and unaware of what to expect in the coming months. Grief is a process....a very long, exhausting, taxing process. There's so many "other" things about grief that makes it difficult to put into words - the mental exhaustion, the lag time with getting things done (even the simplest things are tough), difficulty focusing & concentrating (reading the newspaper is even a chore), being insecure especially in public and crowded places, fearing that people will "forget" about our pain especially since it's something we live with 24/7. The catch 22 of wanting that happiness inside to return yet feeling guilty of "moving on" without Braden. Then there are those awkward moments that confront you when others really don't know what to say, so they simply say nothing - not because they don't care, but they just don't know the right words. For me, Braden and his absence is always on my mind, so reaching out and asking how I'm doing or extending your heartfelt thougts will not upset me. If I shed tears, that's okay.....tears are healthy. You have no idea how many tears I've shed just so I can turn around, find my smile, and move on with my day. It's "okay"....it's okay to ask about Braden, to ask how we're doing, to share kind words, to offer a hug, to call, to talk to me.....it's okay.

Some other unexpected things that grief has done is allowed me to love freely, give more, to hold more compassion especially for those who suffer, not sweating the petty things and realizing there's only so much we can control in our lives, embracing nature as Braden would with discovery and appreciation, declaring time by the noon whistle on Saturdays, noting outloud where the cows are at Deno's in the morning, and knowing I will never again be the same person for knowing, loving, and sadly losing my precious little boy.

Stephanie

**Just a reminder** Our team, Braden's Heart of Gold, will be walking/running in the Briggs and Al Run/Walk for Children's Hospital of Wisconsin on October 10th. The money we raise will be going towards The Playroom of Hope (www.playroomofhope.com). Please visit our pledge page: www.firstgiving.com/bradenp

Also, our charity has decided to put together a little volleyball tournament at KC's Cabin on October 3rd. Please see our website (www.heartofgoldcharity.org) for more details.

Thank you Owen for making our hearts smile and bringing joy to us each and every day:

The Climb

2009-08-28T21:21:00.008-05:00

Every step I'm taking...every move I make feels..lost with no direction...my faith is shaking...but I got to keep trying...going to keep my head held high.

The struggles I'm facing...the chances I'm taking...sometimes they knock me down but I'm not breaking. Just got to keep going...I've got to be strong..just keep pushing on...

There's always going to be another mountain...I'm always going to want to make it move. Always going to be an uphill battle...sometimes I'm going to have to lose... ain't about how fast I get there....ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb............

So, Miley Cyrus may say it best and will sing it better any day, but I've been keeping this song in the back of my head all week as this has definitely marked one of the toughest weeks I've had to endure yet....returning to work. It's not work itself as I've always loved my job...it's "everything else" that surrounds returning to a place I left on March 13th with my life in tact....now I return as a changed person, searching for ways to get back what I lost 5 months ago. < sigh > I used to come to work with stories of Braden, comments he'd make on last night's dinner, morning stories, funny moments or new sayings. The emptiness spoke volumes when the traditional "beginning of the school year introductions" were saturated with awkward moments. His pictures adorn my desk, he is always on my mind and wrapped around my heart, but I still haven't found how I can "share" him now....it used to come so easy and natural...it's like learning how to "walk" again. This year I was able to introduce Owen to my class with pictures and the joy in my voice and smile in my heart that Braden once held as well. Everything I do now strongly shouts...."Someone is missing." < Sigh > I pick up Owen from Grandma Lois's and it's so quiet. This was a time when Braden would tell me about his day, and he would point to our favorite landmarks driving home. I should be looking in the rearview mirror at two car seats, he should be telling me everything Owen is doing in his car seat, I should be this crazed mom of two kids trying to make dinner and care for them both while Rich is coaching and not home yet from work. I strongly dislike (okay hate) that my life is "easy" now compared to how it should be with a toddler and a newborn. < sigh >

I sit here trying to write and I'm blinded by the tears that are shed....for the boy I so badly miss....for the life I want back...for the new me who I'm still "getting to know"....for Braden who didn't get to fish this summer, or ride his tricycle, or play in his sandbox, or get to go to the beach, park, or zoo, or celebrate his birthday.....for Owen who will only know Braden through our eyes. Damnit, this sucks!!! Sorry, I just can't come up with a better word that can sum it all up.

I know that with every step forward, come those moments that will eventually bring me a step or two back. "Just keep pushing on..." as Miley says it best. Everyday, Owen helps us put that one step forward as he is truly the light of our lives - he has put the joy back in our days and a little less sleep in our nights :) He is cooing, rolling to his side, and Mr. Smiles. He is such a good baby - we can't complain and we never would :) He is 3 months old tomorrow already. Check out the handsome babe....

To end tonight's post, I want to share that our team (Braden's Heart of Gold) will once again be running/walking in the Brigg's & Al Run/walk on Saturday, October 10th. I sent some e-mails recruiting team members, but may have missed you. If you are interested in being apart of our team, please e-mail us at: heartofgoldcharity@yahoo.com If you cannot be apart of our team, but would like to contribute in some way, you can make a pledge/donation to our team: www.firstgiving.com/bradenp Every penny goes to Children's Hospital of Wisconsin. We are actually designating our money this year to help the new hospital tower build a playroom for patients and their families to visit while staying at CHW. This playroom will be in memory of Nevaeh Rae Wallace, a beautiful little girl (14 months) who who sadly earned her wings on April 26th of this year. Nevaeh's mom and I (Jamie) have been able to walk this journey together. I don't know where I would be on this "never ending path" without her and her support. Thank you Jamie! For more information on Playroom of Hope, you can visit: www.playroomofhope.blogspot.com

Thanks for checking in,
Love Steph

Happy Birthday B-Man!

2009-08-17T20:30:00.012-05:00

Dear B,
I hope you caught the balloons we sent you today. I can only imagine you awoke the angels with excitement to celebrate the day God sent you to us 3 years ago....the day that put an extra bounce in our step, a wider smile on our lips, and an expansion to our heart as we loved you more than words could ever express. Here on earth, our hearts were heavy as we continue to long for your presence each and every day...to hold you, smell you, feel your cheek against ours, hear your voice & laughter, play trucks, read to you, and tuck you in. Today we tried our best to honor you by bringing balloons to your favorite places (the park and the library), eating your favorite foods (Grandma Lois even made mac 'n cheese), eating chocolate Diego cake, and releasing balloons with your special friends (Jack, Sydney & Luke).

Happy Birthday Precious B - we miss you more and more each day but know with each passing day comes one step closer to seeing your beautiful smile again.

Holding you closer than ever to our hearts,
Mama, Dadda, and Little "O"

Dear Faithful Blog Followers, I just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who contributed to our golf outing and made it a very special and successful event. To see pictures of the evening portion of the event, you can visit: www.kimyouraphotography.com Go into Kim's website and type in heart2009 into the login box. We had a full house with golfers and roughly a total of 250 people for dinner. Some of our doctors (Ghanayem and Cava) and nurses (Melissa A. and Jenny A.) came to joins us, and we were able to introduce 4 of our 6 scholarship winners who came to dinner. Thank you to those who came from near and far to help celebrate Braden's life and Heart of Gold's mission. Thanks to those who also contributed in very special ways - through donations, hole sponsorship, and prayers -we felt them all day.

Owen is 2 Months Old!

2009-07-27T22:54:00.014-05:00

Dear B,
This summer....well....it just hasn't been the same without you. I can't help but think of all the things you missed - I'm sure in spirit you were everywhere right beside us, but I just long for your physical presence....to hold you, smell you, brush your cheek up against mine, hear your laughter, and watch you grow. Somedays I feel okay and wonder how I've made it almost 5 months without you - other days I can do something as simple as folding clothes and the tears will just start to flow.
Lately I've been finding myself watching more and more videos of you. If I could, I would watch you in video all day from the time I awake 'til the time I went to bed just so I could have you in my life and apart of my day again. I'm hoping to get some of the videos to work on the blog (if any blog techies could help, that would be great :) so we can share with everyone the songs you'd sing, how silly yet serious you could be, your sweet little voice, and your amazing smile.

Owen is getting so big...you would be so proud of him. He is two months old already! He was able to meet mama's family up in the U.P.S as you would call it. We also got Owen baptized in a private ceremony, and celebrated your life as well with some special prayers. We felt your presence as the sun rays beamed through the windows and down onto Owen. We also got to meet Super Sam's baby brother Chase. He is only two weeks older than Owen and so cute! Please continue to send us a sign that you are around through a beautiful sunrise, a cardinal that might peek in the house, a blooming flower that stands out among the rest, or a lady bug resting peacefully.

Loving you and missing you more than you'll ever know and holding you closer and closer to our hearts,
Love Mama

Lost.....

2009-07-15T19:43:00.003-05:00

Lost is how I've been feeling on most days. Lost for words when asked questions....I often find myself rambling and sometimes tired when speaking. Lost for a daily plan....I find myself engaged in a lot of TV and brainless activities just to drown my mind from thinking of what I'm missing. Even on the most beautiful summer days, staying inside allows me to not think so much of the summertime fun I would be having if B was here. Lost in the land of imagination.....I often drift into what B "would be doing" and imagine him with Owen, enjoying the beach, playing at the park, potty training, sleeping in his new bed. Lost in thought....I find myself drifting down memory lane and sometimes this leads me to horrible flashbacks of "that" night. Flashbacks of that night take me to a place no parent should ever have to live yet here I sit reliving it time and time again. Hearing your child say your name one last time....hearing him cry....frantically calling 911....hearing Rich yell for B to fight....feeling relief when the paramedics arrive....enduring the longest car ride of my life....hanging onto hope.....having to hear the doctors tell you there's nothing more they can do....watching as several medical personel are fighting to save our son....seeing the surgeon, our miracle maker, and wondering why he couldn't perform one more miracle.....holding B in my arms, kissing his precious face, inspecting every inch of is body so I will never forget what his fingers, toes, scars, and freckles look like, telling him he is the most perfect son in the whole world and that it isn't his fault that he has to leave us. I relive this and am in disbelief it was me who endured all this. It's like I'm watching a movie of another mother holding her son for the last time. I mourn for this other mother when in fact it is actually me. Sadness, emptiness, a sense of longing....these are all words that really can't paint the true picture of what it feels like on the inside. I described to a friend recently that the emptiness is like a dull ache....it's always there and you most certainly feel it, but it's almost impossible to describe it so that another person knows exaclty how it feels.

Losing B has created some really weird quirks (if you'd call it that). I find myself not being able to use the "d" word (death, died, dead). I find that it makes it all too real. I even find myself stopping dead in my tracks when someone says, "when Braden died." I mean hello, it happened, so why can't I say it? Instead I use the phrases, "passed away" or "the night it happened." I even stop and think of how to phrase it without using the "d" word. The toothbrush and handtowel have never moved...they still sit in the bathroom where B used them last. I cringe when I hear another toddler cry for fear it will bring me back to "that night." I'm anxious when I hear another toddler laugh for fear it will sound so much like B that I won't be able to handle the emotions it might bring. Certain pictures of him can bring on the tears instantly where others I could look at all day without such strong emotions. I get upset when Wlllard Scott announces the Smuckers birthdays of the 100 plus year old people. It makes me mad that Joe Shmoe can live to 103 and yet my son couldn't live to the age of 3. I get sad when I see other toddlers or families of toddlers and newborns....a place we should be. That's when I question and even want to yell "why us?" Why can't we be "that" family.....why in the hell do we have to be "this" family? Lastly, Braden was the HLHS boy who offered so many other families hope. Now, we are the family whose story ended tragically...the story people now share for different reasons. Where is the hope now one may ask.....

......here is the hope: The hope is that someday this family will rise again and find peace in their day....the hope that Braden's legacy will inspire an individual to work even harder for a cause and cure for CHD....the hope that this broken family will mend by the support of others....the hope that God will continue to bless this family with more gifts. As you know and I've strongly stated, Owen is our gift..our new little miracle....the one who has given us life again. But there is more....a friend from church came to me in the early days of our grief and she stated that during the times when we hurt so badly, God gives us people in our lives to help us get through these difficult days. She too knows what it feels like to lose a child. At first, I didn't want to believe it....I was very angry and at a loss for how to deal with our new friend, "grief." Little by little, as people crept into our lives...new friends, old friends, family, and even strangers....I came to believe in this new found hope. Thank you to those of you who have contributed to this beautiful gift.

That's all for now.....
Steph

Random Thoughts.....

2009-07-02T13:30:00.011-05:00

Dear B,
Here I am....drawn again to this place I wish did not have to bring so much heartache when I "speak" to you. I don't know what exactly to write today other than I miss you more than you'll ever know. This week I was finding my strength through the wonderful moments spent with Owen and his gift of hope he has given to your daddy and me. It felt good to feel some true happiness again and not bear so much emptiness that feels so heavy when it's present. Today, however, when thinking of this weekend, our first "holiday" without you, I'm feeling the grief rear its ugly head as it's harder than ever to imagine spending another day without you. It feels like forever since we've seen you last......

Owen's room is almost complete. We just need to put the crib up, but that means taking down your bed...the last of the nursery/room "transformation." I cry just thinking about having to take it apart. It sits there so empty except when Snickers takes his afternoon naps on it. I remember how he'd always try to sneak into your room and hide under the bed when we were putting you to bed. You'd say, "Mama, the kitty is under my bed...." Daddy or I would have to shake some of his treats in order for him to come out. Tucking you into that bed was always one of my favorite things to do. You'd ask me to put on your tunes. Then you'd request all your blankets on as you'd rest your head on your Diego pillow. Your two litle blankies with the fringe had to be up on your shoulder/neck area. You would take the fringe of your favorite blanky and put it in your ear - that's how I knew you were tired. You would make sure that I had your doggy & babies (Dora, Diego, and other Diego) nestled in beside you. I'd give you lots of kisses and tell you I loved you and that I'd see you in the mornin'. I might even tell you what you were doing the next day if it was a special day like story hour (we would've practiced your songs for Ms. Penny and Ms. Cindy earlier that night if story hour was the next day). As I'd shut your door, you'd squint your eyes shut and have a big smile on your face. I always made sure I told you once more how much I loved you....sigh....what I wouldn't give to have just one more night...

As you are watching the fireworks from above, we will be down below thinking of you and missing you as always......

Holding you closer than ever to our hearts,
Your mama and dadda

We will be packing to go to the U.P. (or UPS as Braden called it) for the first time since my dad's birthday. We came home from there on the Monday that Braden passed away. It is difficult to think that we won't be packing all the "usual" things to go with us - B's medicine, syringes, spoons/forks, sippies, his favorite DVD's, Diego pillow, and all his favorite toys to play with at Grandma Patsy's house. It's all these "firsts" that become such a hurdle to get "over".....

Owen was a month old already Monday - time sure does fly. Braden's 1st month felt like an eternity - amazing how the perception of time changes with where you are "at" in life. He's growing like a weed and started smiling a bit. Night time feeds are still pretty frequent, but we're managing with having the summer off :)

Owen - 1 month old (we were at Kim's house and she just couldn't resist taking some pics of this cute little guy). Check out the old man "do"

Other charity news: I forgot to mention this in my last post. We were also able to give $1,000 scholarships this year to SIX very deserving seniors pursuing a career in medicine. Our golf outing this year is on August 15th. If you can't make it for golf or dinner and would still like to contribute, we're always looking for hole sponsors and donations for our silent auction. Please contact us if you're insterested in sponsoring a hole or donating to the silent auction: heartofgoldcharity@yahoo.com All other information regarding the charity and outing can be found on our website: www.heartofgoldcharity.org

Thank you again for all of your support through prayers, e-mails, blog notes, cards, calls, etc. We might not always return a call or e-mail right away, but please know we appreciate you reaching out in the various ways you have.

Love, Steph & Rich

3 Months......

2009-06-17T20:20:00.005-05:00

I didn't know if I could or would write today, but I find myself once again drawn to a place that connects me with the one thing I miss the most in this world....a place I shed tears for the sadness that lies so heavily within....a place I hope and pray can someday bring me peace and comfort....a place I can only wish will lessen the burden of this grief someday. I find myself rereading my posts only to find that some may be scratching their heads wondering about this journey that seems to be the eternal road to "nowhere." That's what I feel like it is anyways. It's been three months and I still feel my head is spinning and I don't know what each day will bring emotionally. You see as weird as it might sound, denial is where our minds and hearts bring us, so we don't have to feel all the pain at once. I never understood the power of denial and disbelief until I walked this road myself. Those are the days I can actually get through unphased by the gaping hole in my life. Then there are the "holy shit this is real" days. I'm not a fan of those days, but I know it's all apart of the healing process. Those are the days in which the reality is staring you right in the face reminding you that it isn't a dream and that the one you loved the most is never coming back....no more hugs, no more kisses, no more bed time stories, no more waffles on Saturday mornings, no more cartoons or late day pajama wearing days, no more bathtime..... The never evers and no mores are so incredibly unbearable. It brings an emptiness I wish could disappear. I look at Braden's pictures that held so much life and I just want to reach right in there and squeeze him, touch him, smell him, hold his hand, tickle his feet, and bring him back.

Sigh...

I'd also like to take the time share this blog with some charity moments. On Monday, we honored Braden by delivering more gift bags to the hospital. We were also able to make our annual donations to the Herma Heart Center and Ronald McDonald House. On our stop at CHW, we were able to visit the brand new hospital tower that holds the HHC. It's a beautiful facility, and it helped a little by being in a new, unfamiliar place. We were able to visit our nurse Carol, Dr. Cava, and Dr. Ghanayem. It was good to see all of them and go over everything that happened with Braden. Although the results of the autopsy were somewhat inconclusive, it seems that the doctors feel he suffered from a sudden heart arrythmia...something completely out of our control and with his heart structure, something his body couldn't overcome. As difficult as it was, it did provide us some closure and we were glad we chose this day (his surgery date) to visit.

Our charity golf outing is coming up and it will be on Saturday, August 15th. All details can be found on our website: www.heartofgoldcharity.org

Thank you for all of your continued support and prayers. I'm not sure where we would be if it wasn't for the amazing amount of support we've received over the past three months from our family, friends, and people we've never met. We are also extremely grateful that we've received this little gift of life at this time in our lives. Through the stormiest days on this journey we're traveling, Owen provides us hope, many smiles, and lots of sunshine. He is truly a gift and our little miracle!

Happy Birthday to Auntie Marci. B would be loving the chocolate cake daddy made for her :)

Thanks for checking in,
God Bless, Steph and Rich

Owen Pics

2009-06-11T22:06:00.002-05:00

Here is a link to Kim Youra's Blog where she has posted a "sneak peek" of Owen's newborn session. My favorite is of him holding the necklace/charm of Braden's handprint. She captured so many beautiful moments of Braden in his little lifetime -we are so blessed to have her in our lives.

http://kimyouraphotography.squarespace.com/

Bittersweet Moments........

2009-06-08T21:50:00.003-05:00

Dear B,
I sit here and write with such a heavy heart and emptiness that still resides within. I feel as if the veil of denial has been lifted and I can no longer live there. This has been the toughest part as I think of you now more than ever and find myself grieving even the smallest joys you brought to our lives. Although it has been more and more apparent that you're not coming back, it's still so darn hard to come to grips that this is all real. It feels so cruel to think that a child can ever be taken away from his parents and yet we're living it each day. I hope and pray that this blog will continue to hold a purpose other than sharing just the sad moments I feel because I miss you so much....maybe when the pain isn't so sharp and fresh.

Owen is a little over a week old and has really added some much needed sunshine and life back into our days. I feel like I play a movie in my head of the big brother role you would've played when Owen arrived. I know you would've been the best big brother ever. I remember when you'd point at a baby on TV and say, "Look mama, that looks like the baby in your belly....he's so cuuuuute." You'd always ask when the baby was going to come out and play with your toys....you were so eager to share them.

A week from today would have been your Fontan, the last surgery that would've "corrected" your heart. It will be a bittersweet day as you are in a place now where there are no more surgeries or broken hearts yet it would've been a day that could've brought you more time with us here on earth. I look at my heart now just as yours was when God blessed us with your life. Part of my heart is broken and does not work like it should. I didn't know how I could love again with such emptiness. When Owen arrived, it was as if you helped my heart re-route itself so that it could offer love in another part of my heart. The broken piece may never be fixed, but my heart is now able to love again in a new way.

Holding you closer than ever to our hearts,
Your mama and dadda

Dear bloggers,
Life at home with a newborn is going really well. We couldn't have asked for a better baby as Owen really only squawks when he's being changed or is ready to eat (I'm knocking on wood as I type). He's eating like a champ and is having more and more awake time each day. We find ourselves just staring at him as he has been such a beatiful blessing and a precious gift granted to us from above. Since we didn't find out the sex of the baby before he was born, I knew that Owen's gift to us was planned long before Braden's passing. God has His purpose....we just wish we could know all of the reasons for His plans.

We had a newborn photo session today with Kim, so I'll be sure to post more pics when I write again.

Thank you for continuing to hold us close in prayer,
Love Steph and Rich

Our Ray of Sunshine

2009-06-01T22:37:00.004-05:00

We would like to share with you our new addition, Owen Nicholas Petska. He came into this world on Friday afternoon at 12:19 pm. He weighed in at 8lbs 14oz and is 21 inches long. He is absolutely precious and we are enjoying all of the newborn moments (even the crying and sleepless nights) that are so new to Rich and me. We know B is loving him from afar and might be disappointed that we didn't name him Diego (his only name choice).

Owen's arrival came one day after heaven welcomed Rich's Grandpa Stevens. We know B is enjoying all of the neat stories Grandpa has to share with him especially all of his firetruck stories.

Please continue to hold us all in prayer,
Steph and Rich

2 months......

2009-05-17T21:39:00.003-05:00

Dear B,
I cannot believe today marks 2 months since we last held you, kissed you, and sadly had to let you go. The 17th used to be a day that marked your miraculous birth and now it brings on a whole new existence. It honestly feels like forever since we've last seen your sweet little face, embraced your presence, and heard your voice full of excitement with everything you said and did. You absolutley loved life and made us appreciate all of the little things that brought amazement and excitement to you everyday. Everywhere I go, I see you and find myself saying, "B would love that" or "I wish you were here pal." I find myself searching for ways to talk to you or reach you. Your gravesite is just too painful to visit. I get angry that it's there that I have to visit you...it's just doesn't seem fair. I guess the best way is to continue to write to you and ask God to take care of you, give you kisses, and let you know that we love you and miss you so very much. I hope in future letters I can gain my strength by reminiscing of all the wondeful moments you brought to us in your short yet precious life. Today it brings me more tears, so bear with me for awhile pal. Not a day goes by where our hearts don't sit empty longing for you and your beautiful spirit.

Loving you, missing you, and holding you closer than ever to our hearts,
Mommy and Daddy

Braden and Auntie Marci

2009-05-10T21:24:00.002-05:00

Dear B,
As I sit here fumbling my way through writing this letter to you I am blinded by the many tears I shed for you. Tears that I shed for the pride you instilled in me as the biggest little hero I know....tears for the precious title you helped create for me, "mom".....tears for the heartache I feel knowing you are so far away.....tears for the emptiness I feel everyday as I deeply long for you and your daily gifts....tears for the moments when I beg God to give you back....tears for a day like today when I can only visit your picture and your gravesite and not hold you in my arms. Thank you for giving me the gift of motherhood - a gift no one can take away.

Until next time.....
Holding you closer than ever to my heart,
Your Mama

2009-05-04T15:31:00.003-05:00

Good Afternoon B,
I pray that the sun is shining in heaven today and that you're enjoying all the fun ways the earth wakes up when spring arrives. I can't help but see the blooming flowers and know how much you'd love to smell them or remind me that the mourning doves sound like owls and how you'd want to go outside to ride your bus or motorcyle (tricylce). All of these moments can amazingly bring smiles even through the tears we continue to shed for your absence. Lately I've been able to dangle a toe outside of the denial and into the reality that you really aren't coming back. Although I have my sad days wishing so incredibly bad you were here, I've been able to think about so many of the memories you helped create in our hearts and minds. I want to replay those memories like a movie so many times in my head for fear one day I might forget a moment or how you said a particular word. Thank you for the precious mornings when daddy would wake you up and carry you to the kitchen. You'd stop by the bathroom so I could kiss you and we would exchange our "good mornings" to each other. You'd still have your eyes scrunched closed as the bathroom light was just too bright for you that early in the morning. Daddy would make what you requested whether it be eggs n' toast, waffles, or Auntie Marci's cereal. Whatever it was he would make would never compare to the donuts HE ate for breakfast. You would give daddy that impeccable grin, shrug your shoulders all cute and ask daddy with your high pitched voice, "Can I have a choc-o-late (said with the long "o" sound) donut?" You and daddy would watch WGN as you would wait for the fire engines and police cars - Chicago always had a morning accinent (how you would say it) for you to see. After you took your medicine so well, it was time for your vitamin. Because you would call it a dimamin, we had a chant to help you say it correctly. We'd pump our fists in the air and say, "vi-vi-vit-a-min"....you would get so excited, want more, and even request one at bed time. I would take you in your room to change you for the day and you'd request a firetruck or dino shirt and made sure I put your socks on before your pants - you'd even remind me about the socks if I put your pants on first. You sure were funny about your feet. At this point in the morning, we were running short on time. I had to quickly brush your teeth, get your coat on (you had to zip) and make sure your mittens stayed on. I had to "scoop" you up, get you down the stairs and in the car, because our mission each morning was to beat the bus. Some mornings we'd be late and get behind the bus and you'd yell, "Hurry up kids," so we could get to Grandma Lois's. We had our landmarks along the way.....the little airport, Uncle Nick's house, the crane in the field, and the cows at Deno's. The days the cows were full of snow you would tell me that Uncle Nick was going to brush the snow off of them. The days we couldn't see them, you would tell me they were hiding in the fog even when it wasn't foggy. You'd be so excited to see Grandma as she waited for you at the door. You would wish Grandma good morning and tell her you were fine when she'd ask how you were. Some days you would even tattle on the dog if he did something naughty at home. She knew you had waffles on the mornings you ate them as the syrup smell would never come off of your cheeks, hands, and sometimes your hair no matter how hard we scrubbed. You would go find your toys, books, or the latest craze....your Monster DVD's. You'd hop in the chair and wait patiently for grandma to put the DVD in. I made sure to give you kisses and a big monster hug before I left for work. There were days I'd leave so sad as I wished I could've stayed home with you to play or go to story hour with you on Thursdays. It'd break my heart when you'd ask if you were taking me to story hour with you. When I'd reply, "I can't pal." You'd tilt your head sideways and say with your sweet little voice, "Oh, you can't." Sigh....Those were our mornings and thanks B for giving me the strength today to share them. Until tonight when I whisper good-night, have fun playing "upstairs."

Keeping you closer than ever to our hearts,
Mommy and daddy

Dear faithful blog followers,
Today is a better day. Lately I've been dabbling more and more into "reality." Those are the excrutiatingly difficult parts of dealing with our new friend "grief." Even though they are the hardest moments, I find myself able to think more and more of the wonderful moments Braden gave us as parents. It's amazing how much love and new life a child's existence can bring into your own life. I know this new child we're bringing into our lives (in just weeks) will create a new form of love and new life Rich and I are ready to embrace. We know the emptiness that is still so fresh and sits so heavily within will still live there, but it's comforting to know that fresh hope and a new joy is right around the corner and will soon be in our arms.

Thank you for your prayers and reaching out to us in various ways - it means so much to have an amazing support system who cares so much about us.

Stephanie

One month......

2009-04-17T14:14:00.003-05:00

Dear B,
The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the daffodils are in bloom, yet my heart still aches for the longing of your joyful spirit as your existence created a part of us we never knew could exist. I often think of that quote, "Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body." You truly created this part of us that made us constantly question, "What did we do with our time before you were born? How would we ever go on without you?" I guess those are answers we're slowly finding out, but not enjoying as we try to find out how we exactly fit into this new life. It seems I continue to question "why" and as odd as it may sound, I still feel like I continue to hold onto this false hope that you will somehow return to us as if this all never happened. Oh B, please understand we only feel this empty because you filled our hearts and lives with this incredible and indescribable amount of love that is irreplacable. We pray you are safe and loved as much and even more than we could provide for you here on earth.

Holding you closer than ever to our hearts,
Your mommy and daddy

Dear faithful blog followers,
Thank you for encouragement to write as we continue to grieve. I know for me it helps to get some things off of my chest.....writing helps. I also know that I need to create my own journal with some thoughts I choose not to share on the blog as writing is a form of healing that I hope could eventually dull the pain. There is a dark side of grief that holds a depth so powerful and so sharp, no one should ever have to endure the heartache and void it leaves. There are the "screaming with anger moments," the many "why" and "how" questions, and the lurking emptiness that is still too fresh to share. I will try to continue to publicly share my heart when my moments of strength poke through the pain. Until then, please continue to pray for our strength. We can feel God's touch and grip even through the roughest moments. Thank you for your continued support and reaching out in various ways to let us know how much you care.

Love Steph and Rich

2009-04-12T15:29:00.002-05:00

It’s a beautiful day up in heaven. Jesus is rounding up his tiniest angels, to go live on earth, and be born. One of the sweetest angels say to Jesus "I don’t want to leave, I like it here, and I will miss you." He reassures the scared little angel that everything will be okay, and that he is just going for a visit. He is still not swayed on this idea. So Jesus kneels down, and says, "How about if you leave half of your heart here with me and take the other half with you, will that be okay?” The angel smiles and says, "I guess that will work.” But the little angel is still a little scared. He asks, "Will I be okay with only half of my heart?" Jesus replies, "Of course you will, I have other angels there that will help out, and you will be fine.” Then Jesus gives the angel more details about his plan and says, "When you are born, your mommy will be scared, so you have to be strong, and when you feel weak just remember that I have the other half of your heart. Enjoy your time with your family, play and laugh every day, and when it’s time to come back to heaven, I will make your heart whole again. Always remember that you are not broken, just torn between two loves."

Happy Easter B! We missed you today more than you'll ever know. We can only imagine that heaven woke up with your voice full of excitement as white fluffy bunnies, yellow daffadils, colorful Easter eggs, and of course chocolate (your favorite) surrounded your presence. If only our tears on earth were enough to bring you back. We hold you closer than ever to our hearts knowing we're one day closer to seeing your bright blue eyes and radiant smile once again.

All our love,
Your mommy and daddy

Precious Moments

2009-04-02T14:57:00.013-05:00

Dear B,
Sigh....I don't even know where to begin...you're the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last vision I have just before I close my eyes. I guess selfishly I really want you to somehow reach out to us or come back like none of this has all happened. I long and yearn for your physical presence....one last hug, one last kiss, one last snuggle, one last time I could read your favorite book or tuck you into bed. Two weeks is just too long and yet I'm scared as to how I will feel days and even weeks from now as I can't imagine you being away from us any longer than you already have been. You existed in every part of this house, so I can only imagine you playing, laughing, running, dancing.... You were the center of our world, our sunshine, the core of our laughter, and our desire to awake each day. I know you are being well taken care of from above, but I'm really sad that someone else has taken over for us. Are you playing trucks; are you singing Johny Cash or your dinosaur song; are you watching your MONSTER DVD's; are you playing with Diego and Dora; are you snuggling with blanky and doggy? These are all questions I wish could be answered as my heart hurts to know you are so far away. I try to rock in your rocking chair, read to you, and hold the clothes you once wore just to feel apart of you again. Daddy and I will eventually be okay, but know we will never be the same after loving you, caring for you, knowing you, and sadly losing you. Please know our arms are open if you ever want to stop by for a hug.

Loving you and holding you closer than ever to our hearts,
Mommy

Below is a link to our dear friend and photographer's (Kim Youra) blog. She posted a slideshow - "Braden's Life in Pictures". You will need to copy and paste the link to view it.

http://kimyouraphotography.squarespace.com/home/2009/3/24/bradens-life-in-pictures.html

2009-03-24T08:32:00.002-05:00

Grief...what it is it? How can one describe it? It's a feeling like no other. It grabs hold of you when you least expect it and makes the hole inside of you even deeper. It's gripping, it's real, it's suffocating at times. I look at Braden's picture and I can't help but feel this longing desire to just hold him once more. The reality I won’t is too painful to even admit and come to terms with. I cry with anger that he was taken from us so quickly. I feel like we were robbed of his innocent life. I can understand if he was in pain and suffering, but to our knowledge he was not. We have no answers as to why – I know only God knows this, but I’m hoping and praying for some kind of medical answers. We were told there was a great possibility that we will never know. One week ago last night, we put him to bed to have him wake up just hours later complaining that his tummy and arm hurt. He couldn’t get comfortable after Rich tried rocking him back to sleep. One look at him told me something wasn’t right –was it the flu, was it heart related? There was maybe a 15 minute window of us trying to figure out how we could help as parents to make our baby feel better. He became unconscious, needing compressions for the next 2 hours as paramedics and doctors did all they could to bring his weak heart to a stable rate. We knew when we were at our local hospital that his heart was not responding and CHW could probably do no more than they could. As parents, you hang onto that one little strand of hope that maybe, just maybe our “hospital home” could be our miracle workers once more. They flew him and admitted him to the PICU. It was here that our docs we’ve worked with from day one met us to explain what we feared to hear the most. We held him, kissed him, and helped him understand that he was the most perfect son and that it was okay for him to go see our Heavenly Father. We left him in the hands of our Dr. Ghanayem as we left in disbelief. We shared sweet memories of our “B” all week and celebrated a beautiful life last weekend. It’s now that’s tough – having to relive our routine only in our minds and not share it with the precious life we had thanked God for everyday. How can one say “time” heals when more time away from him is what hurts the most? I’m trying to search for strength at these times, but I feel like the weakness gives in and the cruel reality that he’s gone wins. Uggh!

I will sign off today with the letter Rich and I wrote to Braden to be shared at his service. I will share this to help find my strength for the day. Thanks to all who have written us, sent cards, flowers, stopped by, called, and were there to help us celebrate his short yet precious life. Thank you for the prayers as that is what has helped us get up and move through each day. Please continue to pray for our strength as the days ahead will be even tougher.

Dear Braden, our perfect little boy…
We sit here today with the impossible task of putting your life and the sweet memories we hold for you on paper.
Where do we begin? You were our miracle created especially for us to take special care of. Your mended little heart created a foundation of love that spread to the hearts of many. We knew your little life held more purpose than we could ever imagine.
Your beautiful blue eyes were always engaged on what you could learn and gain meaning from as you were so incredibly gifted. You would see things big or small, near or far, we would have to search for ourselves to see.
Your smile could brighten the darkest room and your beautiful voice held excitement for everything that surrounded you. We embraced your vivacious spirit everyday as you taught us how important it was to cherish and hang onto the littlest things in life- especially God’s beautiful creations:
A cardinal perched on our railing, a blooming flower, the tiniest bug only your eyes could see, the sound of a morning dove, the rumble of thunder or funder as you would say, a beautiful sunrise that would paint the sky pink, the moon that would follow us home on your side of the car, and the baby in mama’s belly you longed to play and share your toys with.
Your eyes, your smile, the dimple that would appear on your nose, and your apple cheeks are what we long to kiss and stroke as your physical presence is no longer in reach. You brought an indescribable amount of joy to our lives where our hearts were overflowing with pride and love for you.
Thanks for teaching us the meaning of life as it should be lived – with gratitude for every day of your existence and cherishing every hug and expression of love you gave to not only us but to everyone around you.
Our lives sit empty as we hold on to your precious moments and the sound of your sweet voice as it echoes in our minds. As we will never know why you earned your wings so early, we will hang onto the belief that someday you will be in our loving arms again.
Until then, we hope your gentle spirit will help ease the pain of our broken hearts and guide us through each day that we are unable to hold you, squeeze you, wrestle you, kiss you, read and sing to you.
Sweet dreams our precious little B-man, our hero, our son.

Our eternal love,
Your Mama and Dada

Update

2009-03-18T12:09:00.002-05:00

Rich and I are humbled by the amount of support we have received. It is comforting to know our son has touched so many lives. We are so grateful for our family, friends, colleagues, and the surrounding communities who are holding us all in prayer. We feel your prayers and continue to welcome them. Rich and I were able to finally sleep last night. Waking up was the hardest part as we continue to face the reality that our lives are forever changed. How do you go on with your day when the one who was the center of your world and the sole purpose of your existence is no longer within your reach? We move through the day surrounded by the precious memories he has granted us over the last 2 ½ years. We are also comforted by the gentle words you have all posted on our blog and e-mail. Rich and I were able to witness the most beautiful sunrise yesterday morning. I know that was God letting us know that our precious angel made it Home. Until that day we see him again, we hold a celebration of Braden's life this Friday and Saturday:

Wake: Friday 4-8 pm
Haase Derrick Lockwood Funeral Home
HDLfuneralhomes.com
620 Legion Dr.
Twin Lakes, WI 53181

Service with burial and luncheon to follow: Saturday 11:00a.m.
Messiah Lutheran Church
8720 368th Ave/ Corner of Hwy 0 and F
Twin Lakes, WI 53181

No words....

2009-03-17T09:43:00.002-05:00

Dear faithful blog followers and prayers warriors,
There are no words to describe the heartache and pain we are feeling. Our dear, sweet, precious Braden gained his angel wings last night. We are still searching for answers as to why and how this all happened. As his heart is now whole, ours is completely broken. Please pray for our strength as we grieve for our little boy. We will post arrangements at a later time.
Steph and Rich

Quick Update

2009-01-25T16:48:00.002-06:00

Hello everyone,
Just a quick update to let everyone know that the ultrasounds came out great...we have a heart healthy baby! Yeah! Although, we really didn't have concerns, it is a peace of mind to know that everything is a-okay with the baby's heart. We also got to see our card, Dr. Cava, so he could check out Braden. Braden was much braver with the nurses and Dr. Joe this time around. It was just a quick appointment and everything seems a-okay with B as well. We'll go back in May for an echo to determine if we'll be having an MRI or heart cath just before surgery. This is done b/c the surgeon likes to know measurements and such to know what he'll be working with at the time of surgery. We've also set that date (tentatively as any emergency case would come before us). As of now, it is set for June 15th. We'll update sometime in the near future with newer pics of B. I just wanted to get the post out about the great news!

Love,
Steph

New Year's Post & Pics

2009-01-04T19:31:00.005-06:00

Hello and Happy New Year! I hope this post finds you all well in the new year :) It's been awhile since our last post, so we have quite a bit to share.

First of all, you may have noticed one of the pictures we've posted where Braden is going to be a big brother! Yeah! We are all very excited. We're not quite sure what all Braden understands with this new concept. He tells us that Mamma has a baby in her belly and daddy has donuts in his belly :) The little one is due to arrive June 1st. We are scheduled to have some detailed ultrasounds coming up on January 19th. I will have a fetal echo done along with a level 2 ultrasound to check that everything is a-okay (I have about an 8% greater risk of having another kiddo with a CHD). We were also able to get Braden in for a clinic appointment as well. We will have lots of questions for Dr. Cava as B's next appointment will be for an MRI or heart cath to prepare for his Fontan. We're still looking at June for this to all happen, so things will be a bit tricky with the newborn and surgery to happen all in one "shebang".

Rich and I were able to have a very relaxing holiday break and enjoyed spending quality time with Braden and family. We stayed here this year for Christmas and enjoyed every moment through Braden's eyes. He squealed with excitement every chance he saw Christmas lights. I think he was in shock Christmas morning when he laid eyes on all the gifts Santa brought for him. He especially loved the little Kitty Kat snowmobile Uncle Nick fixed up for him. We were also able to head up north to spend some time with Grandma Patsy, Papa Greg, Auntie Marci and family. It snowed EVERY day we were there, and one of the pics shows an enormous snowman built as a result of the snow they get up there. We arrived back home on New Year's Day and have enjoyed relaxing before heading back to work and Grandma Lois's tomorrow.

What has Braden been up to? For a couple months now braden has been doing a great job "pooping" on the big boy potty. He tells he has to go and does a great job sitting up on the "big potty." He's only fallen in once, but that has not deterred him. Let's see what else this kid will do for M & M's :) He's dancing up a storm, loving "karate chopping" daddy, bossing around the dog, pretend playing with all of his cars, trucks, & Diego, and singing whatever song comes to mind (even making up his own lyrics). Everyday is so much fun to watch him continue to grow and develop his little personality. He is quite a spit-fire though as the fun 2 year old can have his "moments". Daddy learned the hard way that he has to move the grocery cart far away from the aisle when shopping. Braden had rifled about 8 bottles of BBQ sauce in the back of the cart by the time Rich had picked out one jar of peanut butter :)

Another picture I included are Braden and his two year old cousins in Packer sweatshirts. We took and posted pics of these boys in Detroit Tigers outfits back when they were just 6-9 months old. Their mom's (who are sisters) are pregnant again, so we'll have another round of newborns by June :) Terri (Ivan's mom - he's in the middle) is due to have twins, so the Trombly side of the family is definitely growing. Tricia (Jacob's mom) just had her baby boy Drew last week. Congratulations Tricia, Jeremy, and Jacob on your new addition!

Thank you all for your prayers for my friend Shana, and thank you to those who have sent her a special message on her Carepage. She is handling her treatments well and is extremely postitive. Our God is GREAT! Please continue to keep her and her family in your prayers. Her carepage name is: ShanaCAKEupdate Again, thank you for lifting her up in prayer.

We hope you all had a blessed holiday season and will look to embrace 2009 for all the milestones and precious memories the year will bring.

Love,
Steph, Rich, and Braden
www.heartofgoldcharity.org

November Update

2008-11-23T20:34:00.004-06:00

Hello Everyone,
Thanks for checking in on us. Looking at the last post date, it looks like we're quite overdue for a message and some new pics:) These pics are of Halloween and some random shots of B. He was Diego for Halloween, but he was mistaken for Elvis and he could've possibly passed for Wayne Newton with that wig. He had so much fun and felt pretty comfortable near the end going up to strangers wishing them "Happy Halloween." There's a piture of him ready to go out in the garage to help daddy (with another crazy winter hat on). He calls himself "workin' Braden" when he goes to help dad. The one picture of him sitting there with the toy magazine pretty much sums up his latest craze. He's addicted to any toy newspaper ad or magazine that comes in the mail. He studies it closely, asks what everything is and even corrects you when you don't say it right:) He's quite the little ham these days. He enjoys singing, especially Johny Cash's Folsom Prison (that should for sure get a nomination for parents of the year award:) He's also getting to be Mr. Independent with, "I do that" or "That's mines". Tonight he corrected me by saying, "Mama, don't say darnit, say oh my gosh." He's quite the character and keeps us on our toes everyday.

As for the area of B's health....all is well. We'll have another check-up with our card in January/February. Then we'll talk Fontan surgery and see what the summer will have in store for us. He continues to use the play stethoscope and loves to listen to his animals' hearts. Tonight he listened to Dora's heart and told her it sounded good :)

A couple of our heart buddies just recently had some procedures done at CHW. Liam just had his Fontan and was out of the hospital in 6 day....way to go Liam! Super Sam had a heart cath procedure done and recovered quite nicely. We continue to pray for these boys as they continue to heal.

Prayer warriors, I really need you as my friend Shana continues to battle with her cancer. She is currently waiting to be placed in a trial for her particular rare type of cancer. Please pray for her and her family. She is a wife and a mother of an 8 month old daughter Mia. Her carepage name is: ShanaCAKEupdate CAKE stands for Cancer A** kicking extraordinaire. She is amazing and has an incredibly positive attitude. Please keep her and her family in your prayers

We would like to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving,
Love The Petska's

Brigg's & Al Run

2008-09-28T20:19:00.005-05:00

Hello Everyone,
First and foremost, I would like to thank everyone who supported our team, Braden's Heart of Gold. We raised $2,500 for our team....who-hoo...that is absolutely phenomenal! Thank you, thank you for your generous contributions! It was an amazing day - beautiful weather mixed with an emotional start and finish to the "race." As you can see from the photos, we had a team of 13 runners and walkers. One of the pictures taken was to show the "sea of white" in front of the walkers. My mom took the pic and said there were just as many people behind them. There were approximately 15,000 people there participating. We also ran into one of our nurses, Monica, who took care of Braden during his first surgery recovery. It was neat to run into her and show her how far B has come since she last saw him.

Things here at the Petska household have been going well...busy, but well. We're embracing fall as it is our favorite time of year. Braden has already visited a few pumpkin farms and apple orchards....one reason we love fall :) Oh, I guess I almost forgot to mention that we are officially dog owners now...yes, for all of you who know me...a dog and myself co-exist in the same household. Can you believe it? We took him in after a family had to move and couldn't take him with. We also inherited his name...Jimminy Cricket. Braden's adores him, Rich is loving the fact that he is a dog owner and well..I'm "surviving" with a dog in my house.

To end tonight's blog, I want to share a sad yet heartwarming story with you. A few months ago we received an e-mail through our Heart of Gold account from a family in North Carolina. They, too, had a child with HLHS yet their son was 9 months old and had never left the hospital. They were preparing for his second surgery, the Glenn, at the time. They contacted us to share their story and to let us know how touched they were by Braden's story and our charity. A few months passed by and we started receiving donations to Heart of Gold on behalf of this little boy. Then, a few days later, a donation came in memory of him. I was in disbelief and sadly found his obituary on-line. The bottom line read: In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to Heart of Gold Charity. Tears flowed from my eyes as I read this. This family, in their grief, was thinking of others and how their gifts could make a difference in others' lives. We have never met them, yet they have definitely made an imprint on our hearts. Please keep Riley's family in your prayers.

Another prayers request. My dear friend Shana has had her cancer come back. She is a brave, courageous young woman and I ask you to please pray for her during this healing process.

Thanks for checking in,
Love the Petska's

Lots to share.....

2008-08-24T12:32:00.008-05:00

Zoo time with my buddy Sam

"Ring around the Rosie" with my buddy Jack

Fishing with dad....

Posing with Dr. Ghanayem at the Heart Picnic

Awesome photo-op by Kim Youra

Hello, hello...

It's been well over a month since our last post, and we have quite a bit to share. First of all, our little B-man is officially a two year old. We celebrated his birthday with a mini-party, and he definitely enjoyed opening the gifts he received. He is in love with his Geo Trax train set and has yet to go anywhere without the trains. With this milestone of two years, we had a few doctors appointments to help "celebrate" the moment. Appointment #1 was with Dr. Cava where Braden had is first unsedated echo. With lots of tricks, goofy games, and a Dora DVD, Braden was able to sit still long enough for some good, quality pictures of his heart. Dr. Cava was satisfied with how his heart looks and his tricuspid valve leakage has "maintained," so that was good news. His sats are still 85ish, so he gave us the go-ahead to come back in mid-winter. From there, he will schedule an MRI (less invasive than a heart cath) that will come about a week or so before his Fontan. This is his third (and we hope final) surgery that will occur sometime next summer. Since Braden and his heart have cooperated medically, it looks like we can choose when we would like to have the Fontan. Rich and I both agree that the earlier, the better. We hope that mid-June of 2009 will be the potential surgery date. Okay...enough on the surgery stuff. We also had our ped appointment where we found Braden is still growing and gaining weight to maintain the "average" growth status within his age range. He is close to weighing 29 pounds now....whew!

In the midst of Braden's birthday celebration, we held our 2nd Annual Heart of Gold Charity Fundraiser on August 16th. We had another successful day filled with sunshine and bliss. We could not have asked for a more beautiful day to celebrate life, hope, and a future filled with purpose & promise. Thanks to all who came out to support Heart of Gold and its mission. Thanks also to those who made generous contributions (monetary, silent auction, & volunteering time). Without you, we wouldn't be what we are today. Below, you will find a slideshow we made and displayed during the dinner portion of the evening.

http://www.onetruemedia.com/share_view_player?p=6a886ffcc760dd62f20145

If it wasn't enough to plan a birthday and charity event in one weekend, Rich and I both started school the following week. Needless to say, we slept a lot this weekend trying to catch up from all of the excitement. This year Rich is coaching golf as well as basketball, and he was also named the department chair for the social studies department. This year, I have been busy as well transitioning to another grade level. I am now teaching 6th grade special education instead of 7th. It's will be a very exciting school year for the both of us.

As a family, we've had fun winding down our summer with playdates, visiting the zoo, attending the Herma Heart Center Picnic, and participating in the 5th annual Slager Bocce Ball Tournament. Every year the Slagers (Super Sam's P's) host a bocce tournament in honor of a charity benefiting children. Last year's proceeds when to Heart of Gold. This year, all proceeds went towards A.N.G.E.L. which helps to benefit children with autism. Thank you Slager family for another successful tourney! We had a lot of fun!

We are once again spear-heading another team for the Brigg's and AL Run/Walk. Last year's team of 4.5 (inlcuding Braden) has now expanded to a team of 13.5. Yeah....that is so exciting!! If you would like to help out our team and make a contribution, you can visit: www.firstgiving.com/petska
100% of all money raised goes to Children's Hospital of Wisconsin. This year the proceeds will benefit the new pediatric tower set to open in April of 2009. This is where Braden will potentially recover from his Fontan next summer.

Thanks to everyone who has kept our little cousin Bridget in your prayers. She is truly a miracle and pillar of strength. It looks as if home may not be too far away for her and her family. She has been at CHW since April/May. Her Caringbridge site is: www.caringbridge.org/visit/bridgetlynn

To end tonight's blog, I would like to take a moment to reflect on just how far we've come. Two years ago yesterday, Braden had his Norwood at a wee 6 days old. It is a time I would never wish to relive yet still want to keep its memory alive. Although these moments are not what define Braden, they do continue to keep us grounded and aware of how fragile life really is. Today, we look to the future to open doors and possibilities we never knew existed. Each and every day we praise God for the special gifts He has granted us.

Until next time......
Love, The Petska Family

Well...it's about time!

2008-07-07T20:36:00.008-05:00

Gearing up for football season...already!

Auntie Marci's surprise 30th fiesta fun!

Ahhhh, the signs of summer (and a big appetite)

Loves his new digger!

Sliding with Trevor up north!

Hello fellow blog followers, I apologize for my lack of journaling and keeping everyone in the "loop" with Braden news. What's new you ask? Enjoying summer, preparing for our 2nd annual charity event, and loving every minute of being at home with B!

Things with B couldn't be better....except......being persistant, the separation & stranger anxiety, and problems with getting to sleep lately. Any help in this department would be GREATLY appreciated. Other than the few little toddlerish stages, we couldn't be happier with Braden's growth and progress. He makes us extremely proud with all that he is learning and absorbing. One of his favorite quotes I must share is, "I love beer." For the record, Braden has NEVER tasted beer, but has always wanted what he can't have. One night when we were out roasting marshmallows, Rich put Braden on his lap. As Braden reached for his beer, he stated very loudly, "I love beew." The more we laughed, the louder he said it. The neighbors now look at us a little strangely these days ;)

Since Mother's Day (my last post sorry), we've enjoyed a few trips up north. The first being over Memorial Day weekend. We were able to award a very deserving senior one of the Heart of Gold scholarships. It was very neat to be back in my old high school to give this award. We were also able to personally award the Harvard and Johnsburg seniors, but unfortunately we were unable to be there in person to award Richmond's. We are very thrilled with our board's choosing of the four VERY deserving seniors who were each awarded $1,000. Thanks to all who have supported and continue to support our charity and it's wonderful cause. Without you, this wouldn't be possible.

On the same note of charity information, next week we will be delivering more gift bags to families at CHW. This will make 55 bags total since January. Although it is humbling to know the numbers of heart families who have endured this hospital journey, we hope we're able to shine some hope in their stay.

Lastly on the charity note, we are preparing for our 2nd Annual Heart of Gold Golf Outing Fundraiser. It will be held on August 16th in Twin Lakes, and we have plenty of more spots to fill. You don't have to be a golfer to attend as we have dinner, silent auction, and dancing in the evening. Please visit our website for more information: http://www.heartofgoldcharity.org/

This past week we were able to venture up north for the 4th of July festivities. We had a lot of fun, and Grandma and Papa LaCombe were happy to have a whole week with B. The weekend before the 4th, Auntie Marci and myself geared up for the Picture Rocks Run for Shelter 1/2 Marathon. It was a pretty big feat as the terrain was quite grueling, but the many weeks of training were well worth it! Braden, Daddy, Grandma, Brett and the Ericksons were great supporters during the run. The next race will be the 31st Annual Brigg's and Al Run for CHW. It is on Saturday, September 20th in Milwaukee. We are looking to expand our team this year....come one, come all.....You can run the 8K (5 miles) or walk either 3 or 5 miles. Please contact us if you're interested (petska32@yahoo.com).

Future fun involves a zoo playdate with the Slagers next week, and a 1st birthday party for Miss Maddie Watson, one of our little heart pals we asked you all to pray for. She is thriving and doing awesome...we can't wait to help her and her parents celebrate this milestone.

In closing, we'd like to ask you to pray for my cousin's daughter Bridget. She has been in and out of the hospital almost all of her life, but this last time has been the most critical. She is in the PICU at CHW and has been since April. It will still be a long road to recovery, but everyday has been progress for her. She is truly a fighter and is admired for her strength and will to live. Please pray for her recovery, the doctor's wisdom, and her parent's strength. Her caringbridge site is: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/bridgetlynn

Enjoy the pics,
Love, Stephanie, Rich, and Braden

Happy Mother's Day

2008-05-11T14:42:00.003-05:00

Mother's Day: A day to pause and reflect on what gifts God has granted us. We thank him daily for our miracle, for giving Braden life, for giving others hope, and for inspiring us to live each day as a gift from above.

Braden is thriving at 20 months old, and he amazes us each day. He is our little sponge who absorbs everything around him. He loves to count (to eight), say his name (Banen Petka), point and say his letters, and repeat everything you say. He loves being outside and is teaching us to appreciate even the smallest things in nature. He's learning good manners as he tells us, "Bess you mama" after a sneeze and "Ecuse me" after he burps or toots (as he calls it). With all of the fun times a toddler brings, we also get the not-so-fun tantrums every now and then, but that is to be expected. Papa Greg and Grandma Patsy are down visiting us this weekend, and Braden has been quite the entertainer.

Last Monday we had a cardiologist appointment with Dr. Cava. We thought we were going to have a sedated echo, but Dr. Cava cancelled it. After listening to Braden's heart and pressures, he didn't feel the need for an echo. This all good news of course. We did schedule an appointment for early August when he is closer to being 2. At 2 years, they try to do an echo without sedation. Braden did awesome with Dr. Cava. Up until now, he has not been a fan of doctors and getting his pressures checked or even his heart and lungs listened to with a stethoscope. After our last appointment in January, we purchased a fisher-price doctor kit. Daddy practiced with Braden along with explaining to him that Dr. Joe will be listening to heart. He didn't make a peep when it was time for Dr. Cava to listen....we are so proud of this milestone he has made :) When he's asked, "Who listened to your heart?" He still responds with, "Dr. Joe."

Along with the doctor visit, we were able to deliver more gift bags to the hospital and make a donation to the Ronald McDonald House from the Heart of Gold Charity. It was definitely one of those extra special "feel good" days for the Petska's.

The Heart of Gold Charity Website has been updated. We have a quarterly newsletter attached to view and information regarding the 2nd annual charity golf outing set for August 16th, 2008.

Everyday is Mother's Day, but today is the day we get pampered :) Happy Mother's Day to all of the wonderful mothers and moms-to-be.

With love, The Petska's
PS...we're having picture problems....we'll try to post as soon as the blogger cooperates :)

New Update!

2008-04-06T14:53:00.005-05:00

This Easter

Last Easter......he would NOT cooperate with the ears this year (he must know I will use these pictures as blackmail someday).

Hello everyone.....

Easter came and went and no blog update....sorry. We enjoyed our Easter and spent it with Rich's family this year. We went up north the following weekend during Rich's and my spring break. While many basked in the sun, we were greeted with mountains of snow....no kidding. We were able to escape the U.P. before the "April Fool's Storm" hit that left behind over 20 inches of snow. We embraced our brown grass and the smattering of snow we still had left knowing it could always be worse (sorry LaCombe family).

Yesterday, Rich and I were able to attend the Parent Education Day up at the Wisconsin Medical College. We were able to hear the future of CHW and Herma Heart Center. In April of next year, the new ICU tower should be open. We were also able to attend a session involving research and causal factors of CHD. As there is not one "cause" of CHD, there are numerous associations. One association that just about knocked me over was the fact that the state of Wisconsin has reported 3 times as many HLHS cases than any other state. Also, when looking at the cases mapped out on the state, southeasern Wisconsin was hit the hardest. Of course, this sent many parents asking questions.....the doctors were quick to say that as they dig further into this research process, it opens up more and more possibilities. We hope that in Braden's lifetime, there will be more answers to these questions of how and why?

During lunch, we were given the opportunity to "advertise" our charity and share our mission with many other heart families. We were so excited with the positive feedback. We were also able to speak with the social worker who has been delivering our gift bags to families in the ICU. She says that it has helped to spread some sunshine to the recipients. One mom asked if she could pay the favor forward to another family. The social worker then said how neat it would be if EVERY family in the hospital could receive a gift bag. We hope, that as we grow, we can offer more services to families in need :)

After lunch Rich and I split up into different sessions. I was able to attend the "behind the scenes of the operating room." As much as this peaked my curiosity, I was very hesitant to attend. I sat with anticipation of leaving. Much to my surprise, the session actually relieved my fears and "nightmarish" thoughts about the OR. Rich wished he would've attended as well. He went to the nutrition/fitness session. Since every kid is different, it was difficult for him to get any clear answers regarding Braden's future with sports and endurance.

During the day, we were able to see some of the nurses and speak briefly with Dr. Ghanayem. We saw God (Dr. Tweddell), but never spoke to him. What do you say to the surgeon who gave your son his life? We were also able to see many of our heart families and connect with a few more. It was a day filled with excitement, education, emotion, yet promise for a hope-filled future.

Thank you all for reading and checking in on us. Your continued support means the world to us.

Love, Steph, Rich, and Braden

ps....we caught Braden saying, "Whoa dude" today....it must be from Uncle Nick or Auntie Marci.

Talk, talk, and more talk

2008-03-10T20:13:00.009-05:00

CHEESE!

Where'd it go?

Go, go, go!!

Can I play too Papa?

Big Muscles...

Grrrrrrr!

Wow! Has it really been a month since we've updated? It's amazing how quickly time does fly. We are happy to announce all of the new things our growing boy is doing these days. First of all, "No" is being said a little too frequently....it's funny because he phrases it like a question..."NO?" He loves to run up and down the halls yelling, "Go, go, go!" If someone or something is out of sight, he throws his little hands up and goes, "Where'd it go?" Where dada go? Where mama go? Where aunta go? Speaking of Aunta...Auntie Marci came down to visit this past weekend. Upon returning from Mexico, she taught Braden to say, "Hola Baby!" We had lots of fun with her, and she couldn't get over how much he has grown and how funny he is with his little cute little phrases and new words. He was not liking the March snowfall yesterday and started to yell, "No mo hnow" (can't quite say his S's yet). He has also stated how much he's liking food these days by saying "mmm-mmm chicken" or "mmm-mmm eggie." He still rules the roost around here and lets us know it. Whenever he wants my immediate attention or if I'm doing something he doesn't approve of, he gives me a stern look and says, "MUM! MUM!" until I cooperate :) Last but not least, we are very proud of our little man as he is learning his letters. Thanks to Grandma Lois and Leap Frog, Braden can point to and say almost all of his letters. Our favorite is "Doubleda" for "W." We're so very proud of Braden as he is teaching us, the sky is the limit :)

Not much else is new except to shout, " WE WANT SPRING!" Cabin fever has definitely settled in, and we're anxious for warm weather to arrive. Basketball is coming to an end as Rich wraps up his 5th season with the Hornets. We are anxious to travel to the U.P. during the Easter/Spring Break vacation. As most people are traveling south, we're heading north...go figure! We just had Braden's 18 month appointment with hopefully our last round of RSV synagis. He weighed in at a whopping 26 lbs...who-hoo! Our next appointment is with Dr. Cava April 7th. We go up to CHW for a routine echo and check up. We were also invited to a parent education day at CHW hosted by the Herma Heart Center. We are very excited to attend this event and hopefully run into some of our heart families.

We would like to take this opportunity to congratulate the Solgos family on the adoption of their beautiful little girl, Sitota. We would also like to congratulate Shana and Scott Kinney on the birth of their precious little girl, Mia. We cannot wait to meet their new additions.

Please keep Rich's Grandpa Stevens in your prayers as he is recovering from a neck fracture and surgery. We pray that God's healing hands surround him and the entire family during this difficult time.

Thanks for checking in,

Steph, Rich, and Braden

CHD Awareness Day

2008-02-10T17:28:00.000-06:00

Hello everyone,

Don't forget to proudly wear your red on Valentines' Day in honor of our heart kiddos. It is a day we celebrate life, miracles, hope, and promise.

The attached picture was created by cousin Nick Erickson. It will be our t-shirt logo this year for CHD Awareness Day!

Have a great week and stay warm!

Love, The Petska's

Appointment

2008-01-23T20:34:00.000-06:00

Enjoying the snow!

Mr. Silly!

Slam-Dunkin' Sam!

We weren't torchering the cat...honest!

For those of you checking in to see how Monday went, it all went very well. Dr. Cava was very pleased with how Braden looked and sounded (heart-wise). His O2 sats were surpisingly in the low 90's (they're typically in the mid-80's). This is something Dr. Cava is "chalking" up as possible collaterals. To my understanding these are "phantom" veins that form when blood flow is restricted in certain areas. Typically, they bring O2 sats down, but in Braden's case it's helping. Now, this is all speculation...we really won't know until his next heart cath which will be before his Fontan (next summer). The longest part of the day is when we were about to head home. B and I were all bundled up waiting for Rich to swing by the skywalk entrance to pick us up. Well, Rich comes back with no car. For the next hour, he begins to search for the car, positive that is has now been stolen. Believe it or not, this parking garage can be a bit tricky if you don't pay close attention to what level you've parked on. After the embarassment wore off (yes, Rich found the car with help from Security), we were on our way home. While B and I were waiting for Rich to find the Suby, we sat on a bench in the skywalk. It was so hard to "people watch" as every passer-by was a mystery...why are they here? are they a parent coming to visit their child? are they longing to be "visitors" just like we longed to be over a year ago? And the thought I didn't want to enter came to mind....what will it be like when we come back for the next surgery? I immediately had to concentrate on something else as tears welled up in my eyes. I can't even begin to go there! I just kept thanking the Lord above for all that he has blessed us with. We are so very thankful for this little life who has taken a firm grip on our hearts and changed our lives forever.

On another positive note, we were able to donate our first 20 gift bags to heart families staying at CHW. It took a little longer than expected to coordinate the donation process, but it's all coming together. Yeah! We can't wait to continue to share this experience with you!

I hope to post pics tomorrow or this weekend. We had Super Sam and his mom over Sunday before the Packer Game (no comment on the game). It was the first time I had seen Braden acknowledge another little person his age in the same room. They chased each other (and the cat), shared, and even laughed at each others funny quirks.....there were definitely some special moments shared that day.

That's all....
Have a great week!
Love, The Petska's

Go Pack Go!!!

2008-01-13T21:20:00.001-06:00

Nothing really new here at the Petska household. We go up to CHW next Monday (21st) for a cardio check up with Dr. Cava. Have a great week and hopefully we can post next Sunday with the same victorious smile (or tongue sticking out)!

Love, Steph, Rich, and Braden

Happy New Year!

2008-01-07T21:31:00.000-06:00

Extra Cheese!!

Did someone say Santa?

Who me...Mr. Innocent?

Yo-Ho-Ho Papa Greg!

Hanging with his favorite Auntie!

Fun!

Don't worry....I can still sport a mean piggy face!

No comments Bears fans!

Mr. Ham "pretending" that he's tired!

Yes, B, you're truly "One of a Kind!"

Been a while since we blogged, but the holidays and Braden definitely have had us on the run!

We spent Christmas in Yooperville and had a great time. Braden definitely got spoiled by G'ma and Auntie Marci with all of his cool presents. We got to see a lot of family and friends and had some good down time while we were in town.

Braden right now is momentarily in the really fun exploratory, learning stage. Everything is exciting to him and holds his attention for quite a while. We do see glimpses of the next stage starting to show up. For example, taking things he shouldn't have and running from room to room closing the doors behind him. Throwing things in the garbage that don't go there, and the ever exciting, saying NO. Oh we have heard about how much fun that will be!

Things he is doing now: still really into books (we have to read almost all of them everyday), starting to do puzzles over and over again, torturing the cat, building with blocks, pulling up his shirt to show people his freckle on his tummy and then the one on his leg, ripping some serious dunks on the mini hoop downstairs, and of course playing with his truck-as.

New things he is saying: hot, apple, pizza, uncle, tickletickle, booka for book, down, up, MElmo for Elmo, more, NO, t-ank ooo, foooo ball, cheerio, mil for milk.

Love Rich and family
PS. We managed to escape a few tornadoes today - one touched down in the town I teach in (just after school) another touched down just minutes away from our house....pretty darn scary!

New Pics!

2007-12-09T20:46:00.000-06:00

My first trip to the firehouse (to see Santa), and
I got to sit in the truck and make my own siren noises!

A little too scared to sit on Santa's lap!

Not too sure of this Christmas card pose??

Now I'm getting the hang of it :)

Hiding from mom under my bed!

Playing (not too happily) with my buddy Evan...

"Someone" wasn't happy when mommy held baby Sara....

Caughtchya!

Sorry for the delay...the holiday and basketball seasons are upon us, and we are quite busy! Enjoy the latest pics of B as he is the center of our joy each day!

Love, The Petska's

Giving Thanks...

2007-11-21T10:23:00.000-06:00

Loving his Auntie Marci!

Lounging in his pj's

Trying out a delicious chocolate treat!

Getting one last good-bye squeeze!

Hello everyone,

Sorry for the delayed update, but "someone" has been keeping us quite busy these days :) Everyday seems to be something new and definitely enjoyable. It's amazing how much these little ones understand language before they're able to fully communicate. When given certain commands (mostly to get a particular toy or book), Braden will perform what you ask of him. He blinks his eyes shut when you ask him where his eye are and tries to say "achoo" when you ask about his nose. Some of his new facial expression are priceless. We just had a 15 month appointment for B and all good news. He is still in the 50th percentile for height and weight along with a 75th percentile placement for his noggin. He is trying to get over a head cold. With the congestion and drainage, he is coughing which makes us so, so nervous. The doctor has reassured us that his lungs are clear....phew! He is still getting his RSV synagis, but the cold/flu season still pose a risk for him. We have been pretty lucky as this is really only the 2nd time he's ever been sick. Along with the head cold, he's getting all 4 canines (the fangs)as well. These teeth have probably been the worst for him as far as giving him any pain...poor guy!

The pics today are from this past weekend. Grandma Patsy and Auntie Marci came down to visit. They were able to watch him all day on Friday, and of course had a ball with Braden. They haven't seem walk yet, so they were having lots of fun with Mr. Mobile.

With this post comes the opportunity to be thankful for so much this year. 2007 has definitely been a year of sunshine and smiles for us. It has been a year of growth, progress, and good health. It has been a surgery-free year that we've embraced and celebrate. We give thanks to so many wonderful family and friends who have surrounded us and offered their support along the way. Our charity kick-off was an amazing success, and we are so grateful to be given the opportunity to help out so many other families. We give thanks to our amazing heart families who have helped guide our strength and stability over the past 15 months. You continue to give us hope and inspiration everyday....thank you!

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, and may you feast in the comfort and presence of family and friends!
The Petska Family

Happy November!

2007-11-04T20:59:00.000-06:00

Hello,

--Yes, I got a post in on time! As Halloween came and went, we were able to embrace every minute of it without reflecting too much on last year's "blur." Last year was so incredibly different - it seemed as if fall just swirled around, passing us by, denying us a chance to jump in and enjoy the season. This year, it was great to greet the trick or treaters with Braden. He got the idea down pretty fast and helped us open the door (yes, he can reach the door handle) to greet the kids. He would open the door, peak out, jabber away and then close the door again. He squealed with excitement when he saw an Elmo costume walk up the driveway. He'd even wave when the kids would leave...too cute! We didn't take Braden out to get candy this year....we just dressed him up to greet the treaters and then went to visit some relatives with his costume on. I think next year he'll be all about the candy :)

--Braden is cruising all over...he's more apprehensive though on the wood floor as he's wiped out many times. Just tonight, he has learned how to stand up from a sit/squat position....yeah! Yes, I do miss those exercauser, jump-a-roo, and swing days, but we're so excited for B to reach this milestone. He jabbers so much, it sounds like he's saying certain phrases but it's so hard to tell. His latest is saying, tickle, tickle, tickle. He likes to do this when we rock at night and he tickles my neck - he thinks it's so funny.

Thanks for checking in and have a great week,

Love The Petska's

-wicked morning "do"!

-looks like mommy needs a few carving lessons!

-could I PLEASE get a new hat this year?

An Update....Finally!

2007-10-28T19:39:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone,
--Wow, how time flies....Braden is now 14 months and WALKING!!! It took him the longest time to build that confidence to just let go and GO! He showed us a few times that he could take about 5-6 steps, and then he'd stop and crawl. On Thursday, Rich and I bribed the heak out of him to walk to us back and forth across the living room. He finally did it and has been letting go of the furniture and cruising on his own. He looks like a little frankenstein, trying to maintain the balance....too cute! Watch out Snickers, here comes Braden!

--Grandma and Grandpa LaCombe came down last weekend and gave Braden lots of lovin'. Braden even called grandpa "papa." Here are some pics of last weekend and a few of him today all dressed up in his costume. We went to a Halloween party today at the Rybarik's....great treats and lots of fun. Daddy is paying for the "no afternoon nap" right now as Braden is having a difficult time getting to sleep. Enjoy the pics and we'll try to update sooner next time! Happy Halloween!

--Thank you for your prayers....Maddison and Grayson are both out of the hospital and doing well.

Love, The Petska's
PS...you may notice B's funky left eye....major eye poke + blood thinner med = bloodshot eye!

Hanging out with papa and my Halloween gift

from Auntie Marci (Ratzo).

Riding my zebra!

Singing along with Papa!

Daddy, I'm not a pumpkin head!

Torture!

Mommy and Tyrone the Moose from Backyardigans.

Good-bye Warm Weather!

2007-10-10T18:13:00.000-05:00

Good Evening,

Once again we had another full weekend and have enjoyed making fun, new memories with B this fall. Last fall was such a blur as we lived quietly in our little bubble and didn't venture out much beyond doctor visits. It's been fun decorating this fall, going to pumpkin farms, and making (or buying) B's first Halloween costume.

Saturday we made our way to the annual Edtoberfest. Last year's celebration was a fundraiser for Braden and our family. It was so nice to be able to bring him this year and thank people personally for all that they did for us last year. Sunday was a duo birthday party for our friends, Sydney and Luke. On Monday, Braden got some lovin' from a new little girl, Maddie. Maddie is a little older than Braden, and it was so cute to watch them interact. Speaking of girlfriends, Grandma has been taking Braden to story hour once a week, and he has his eye on a little girl there. Her name is Ella and he gets to go see her tomorrow :)

Braden learned a new word this week - cracker. His version is "caca"....too funny! In the pics below, you'll see him pushing his Pooh cart - he loves pushing this all over the house. He steers it, picks it up and moves it, and practically runs with the darn thing...I'm just waiting for the day he lets go. I know, I know....I may regret saying that.

Prayer request: some of our dear heart friends need your help. Both Maddison and Grayson were released from the hospital last week and readmitted just days later. Please pray for them and their parents - we know how much strength is needed to endure those long hospital stays. Could you also say a prayer for the Yuvenich Family? Judy was a former student and tragically lost her life in a car accident this past weekend. She was only 14 years old. So many heavy hearts are thinking of Judy and her family at this time.

In ending this post, with good news, we want to congratulate the Posey Family on the birth of their baby girl, Sara Aubin Posey! We wish Sam, Carrie, and Sara the very best!

Have a great rest of the week,

The Petska's

Oh darn...wishful thinking on mom's part!

Full of spaghetti!

Spaghetti = an adventure, not just a meal!

Full speed ahead!

I know this oufit is cute mom, but the flashing camera is getting old!

Big 2 Day Check-Up

2007-10-02T18:42:00.000-05:00

All good things to report from our appointments :) Yesterday we arrived at CHW around 9:30am for Braden's echo. The worst part was the sedation....nasty meds to make him fall asleep. During the echo we were able to catch up with Dr. Ghanayem and talk with her for a bit. After the echo, we were given the thumbs by Dr. Cava that his heart looked great. There's still some minor tricuspid valve leakage, but that is expected with the anatomy of his heart right now. It did improve from his last echo, which was great news to hear. The doctors were very happy with the rest of the echo also. The overall function of his heart, all things considered, was excellent. His heart continues to grow and function the way they expect and want it to.

Today was a big testing day where we had to return to CHW. It was a Cognitive and Developmental Test. They ran him through a number of motor skill dexterity tests. Stacking blocks, lifting hoops, putting pegs in holes and other interesting things. The cognitive things were interesting too. He had to figure out how to get a bunny toy out of a clear box, get things by using sticks to pull things to him. Braden tested at the high end of average on the motor skills. If he would have taken more than two steps he would have surpassed average ratings (he still gets a little scared after taking a few steps and sits down)! The cognitive part he did very well and and scored in the above average range. He continues to impress everytime we go up to CHW. Yeah Braden!

On Monday we got to see one of Braden's favorite nurses, Melissa, who was in the PICU with her son Grayson (after having heart surgery himself). Melissa was Braden's nurse when she first came back from maternity leave. She was definitely a huge help answering a ton of "at-home-care" questions before we left CHW last year. We were also able to visit with our friends the Watson's and their daughter Maddison. We were able to deliver our very first Heart of Gold Charity gift basket to them . It was great to see them in such good spirits. After a week of surgery, Maddison is recovering very well. She is still having some heart rhythm issues and hoping that with time and prayer, it will improve. Please continue to keep our wonderful heart families in your prayers.

After the testing today we saw some more of Braden's favorite 4th floor nurses - Jenny and Jen (go figure) and got to hangout with Research Guru Lisa for a good part of the day. Braden passed out lots of cute pictures and business cards to them! Oh, and we almost forgot to mention a little visit from Gabe. His mom brought him and twin brother Jed by to say hello to us yesterday as they made their way to an appointment.

Heidi and Christian were in over the weekend and they took us to the Sox/Tigers game Saturday night. Excellent game with a nailbiter finish. It was a very quick visit, but it was great to see them and have Braden spend some quality time with his Auntie Heidi!

Braden's first pumpkin farm visits were over the weekend and snapped some fun photos:

Gigantic pumpkins at the farm!

Holding the perfect pumpkin!

My first adventure to the pumpkin farm!

Huge Pumpkin!

Are you really taking a picture of this wicked "do"?

Have a great week!
Love, The Petska's

A year ago today.....

2007-09-23T21:02:00.000-05:00

A year ago today...... we said good-bye to a place we called home.

A year ago today...... we hugged the doctors & nurses and bid them a sweet farewell.

A year ago today..... we safely strapped you in your carseat for the very first time.

A year ago today..... we wheeled our wagon of belongings down that infamous skywalk.

A year ago today..... we rode together, our new family, home.

A year ago today..... we held you, rocked you, fed you, kissed you, and watched you sleep in your new home.

A year ago today..... we will never forget!

BRADEN TODAY.....

How quickly this time has passed, but how each new day brings adventure and something new to love about Braden.

Braden Updates: He is so close to walking....he takes about 2.5 steps before he gets too scared and sits down. Last weekend, we spotted molar 3 breaking through....he's a tough cookie as he has tolerated all of them quite well. He is pointing and still saying, "That's a car" to every car he sees or hears. Just today he put the connection to Rich and da-da. Rich is hoping he will no longer call him "mama" or "mom." He's saying "nana" for banana and whole bunch of jibber with emotion, so we know he's trying to tell us something! We are anxious to see what Dr. Cava thinks of this growing boy as we venture to CHW on Monday, October 1st. My next update will probably be then as we will have "heart news" to update you with.

Please keep Maddison Watson and her family in your prayers this week. She is having her surgery on Tuesday (not tomorrow as originally planned). Her caringbridge site is: www.caringbridge.org/visit/maddisonwatson

Have a great week,

Love The Petska's

We did it!

2007-09-15T19:12:00.000-05:00

What do 17,000 people and 45 degree weather have in common? A great combination for the 30th annual Brigg's & Al Run! Yes, it was a bit chilly, but we embraced the cool weather especially since most of our training took place during the hottest summer EVER!! What an awesome feeling it was to be among so many other people who were inspired one way or another to take part in this extraordinary event. We had cheerleaders, a church choir, various bands, spectators, and even bag-pipes to cheer us along. We were able to see so many other teams with pictures and logos on the back of their t-shirts, honoring their loved ones. The hardest ones to see were those who were running/walking in memory of a child. It gets personal and a bit emotional when seeing this. I didn't cry (being the big sap that I am) except I did have tears in my eyes as Katie and I hugged at the finish line. Thanks Katie for running with me today...you rock! Grandma Lois, Rich, and Braden walked the 3 mile course. We ended up running into them when the runners and walkers merged....so cool! We had Uncle Larry, Aunt Marlene, and cousin Jesse to help cheer us along...thanks guys! There were festivities afterward at the Summerfest Fairgrounds. With the help of a Superman balloon, we were able to see Superman Sam's team amongst the crowd and wish them luck! Thanks to all of you who graciously donated to our team. As a team total, we raised over $1,000.00...yeah!

Prayer Request: Our new heart buddy, Maddison, will be going in for her first surgery next Monday, September 24th. Please keep her family in your prayers this week as they prepare for her surgery. Please keep Maddison close in prayer on Monday.

Well, it's time to hit the hay....boy are we pooped!
Love, Steph, Rich, and Braden

Now, for the pictures:

Team Braden's Heart of Gold all set to go!

Cousin Katie and myself waiting for the start!

The non-elite (slower) runners start further back :)

A great pic captured by Rich before the start.

A great view of the walkers - check out the sea
of white ahead!

The Finish...under an hour...not bad for rookies!

T-shirts made for our team....thanks Uncle Steve,
Auntie Chris, Auntie Shelly, & Auntie Marci for
making the t's possible.

New Update...yeah!

2007-09-09T19:56:00.000-05:00

Family Time at the Bocce Invite

Petska and Slager Families

Braden being Mr. Silly in his car seat

Auntie Marci gently telling B, "no stairs"

Who me?

Food Scavenger in action!

~Sorry if we stressed anyone out with not blogging last week....with school starting and trying to get back into routine (I think by May we'll have it down), it's been a little hairy around here :) We've been really busy and have lots to update....hmmm, where do we begin?

~First of all, we ventured to the U.P. last weekend for some Labor Day festivities. We got to spend lots of time with Grandma and Grandpa LaCombe, Auntie Marci and the gang. Braden impressed them with his crazy dance moves and new words. He has this fascination with trucks now....no influence by mom and dad....just something he picked up on his own. He even makes the noise and goes, "brrmmm truck, brrrmmmm truck" while pushing his little trucks and cars around. He now says car and we think he says, "That's a car" every time he sees a car. When asked what a doggy says, he pants like a dog. He's so darn funny and lets us know something knew he has learned each day. No walking yet, but he bravely stands alone.

~This weekend we had the honor of being apart of the 4th Annual Slager Bocce Ball Invitational. This was all put together by Sam's mom and dad. Every year they give the money they raise to a charity. Heart of Gold Charity was the 2007 recipient of this year's tournament. We were very honored to receive this generous donation and very proud of our friends who put together this great event. We were able to catch up with the Slagers (well Erika and I gabbed while the guys played mostly). Every time we get together, it confirms why our paths were meant to cross. The irony of it all was that just a year ago this weekend, we met the Slagers at CHW.

~This Saturday, September 15th, is the Brigg's and Al Run. I'm so excited and I start to cry every time I think about it as I think of all of the families we will be running/walking with. Every person we will share that road with has a story, whether it's a miraculous or difficult story to share....we are all there for one purpose....for the children! Our donation page is still open if you would still like to contribute. 100% of all money raised goes directly to the hospital. The pledge page is: www.firstgiving.com/bradenp Thank you to those who have generously donated. I will be running with Rich's cousin Katie. Rich will be walking with Braden and Grandma Lois. Go Team Braden's Heart of Gold!!!

~Upcoming events: Braden goes up to CHW on October 1st for a sedated echo. He will then return on the 2nd for a full scale developmental testing. This is something they do around 1 year for HLHS kiddos to see how they're doing (mobility, growth, learning, etc). We also have an appointment on Oct 1st with a social worker to help us with our charity mission. She seems really excited to work with us.....we can't wait!

~I believe that's all for now. We'll try REALLY hard next Sunday to update on how the Brigg's and Al Run/Walk went. Before I sign off, I'd like to send some shout outs for birthday wishes. Happy Belated Birthday to Super Sam....he turned 1 last Friday. Happy Birthday to Grandma Patsy who turned ? TODAY, and Happy Birthday to Grandma Lois who also turns ? tomorrow!

Have a great week,

Love Steph, Rich, and Braden

Birthday Bash & Making NEW Memories

2007-08-24T22:33:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone!

--Midwesterners, is it ever going to stop raining??? Wow, what a soggy, sticky August this has been!

--The pictures posted are of "B" at his birthday party. Since Braden loves music, we went with a Rock 'n' Roll theme with his favorite cartoon cake, The Backyardigans. Braden was a bit overwhelmed with all of the people, and didn't do the cake dive like he did with the cupcake. One of the pics show Braden sharing his favorite ABC book with cousins Chloe and Amy. Another shows him sharing some playtime with cousin Morgan as well. We had a great birthday celebration with Braden, and we thank all of our family who helped us celebrate this milestone!

--Braden updates: Braden weighed in at 22lbs and 30 inches in heigth on Monday. We asked about the slight decrease in weight since last month. It could be anything from a poop (he didn't have last time and/or he did have this time) to the crazy amount of energy he burns everyday moving, moving, moving! She was not concerned and neither are we....he's in the 50th percentile for height and weight and a whopping 75th percentile for his head. He is now dancing, which is hysterical. He has a new little Zebra (thanks to Auntie Marci) that he can ride, but he chooses to hang onto the reigns, flick the music on, and dance (head moves and all). No attempt to walk yet, but he can stand on his own. He's babbling up a storm, and Grandma Lois just taught him where his hair is. When you ask him where his hair is, he'll grab his hair and play with it....too funny!

--Yesterday was a bitter/sweet day for us. It was Rich's first day back to school with kids and my first day back for teacher institute day. The start of last year's institute day marked just 8 hours after Braden entered this world. I was not there (obviously), but Braden's birth was proudly announced to the staff that day. Yesterday also marked a year to the date of Braden's first open-heart surgery - a day we will never forget and always remember as the most precious gift given to him, LIFE. Although, it's hard to say good-bye to "B" again, yesterday was a day we embraced as it marked a true milestone for our family. Rich and I got to start this school year without a heavy heart, praying over a mending one. Instead, we long to see the smiling, happy, dancing, babbling little boy who is thriving and growing everyday.

--AND, so the year-to-date-memories begin. I could go on to let you know that a year from tomorrow morning, his chest was closed....a few days later, extubation #1 was attempted, etc. I won't do this as it takes away from the joy we celebrate with Braden today. We will always remember those precious moments and keep them tucked safely into memory, but sharing them will only be on occasion.

--One more thing....another memory....one we proudly remember everyday....the overwhelming amount of support we received. We will alway be grateful for you and your generosity, thoughts and powerful prayers. Thank you, thank you!

Love, Steph, Rich, and Braden

PS.. Sorry blog-a-holics, but with a highly-energized one year old, we can no longer promise weekly postings...we'll try like heck though to post when we can !!!

Birthday Blessings!

2007-08-17T14:59:00.000-05:00

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Today is the day....the celebration of Braden's first birthday. Today, we not only celebrate life, but so much more. We celebrate a year of miracles, the devotion of life-saving doctors and nurses we proudly name our heroes, the advancement of medicine, the beauty of family and friends who surround us with love and support, and of course the little boy who wears his badge of courage each and everyday expressing true happiness with his big, bright, tooth-filled smile!

Although Braden will never remember the courageous battles he fought, he will always be reminded of the devoted army of supporters who cheered his way to victory. Although the war is not over, we feel peace in knowing God has special plans for Braden. He has already given Braden the determination and tenacity to fight so hard during his first year of his life. As we enjoy the present (a precious gift), we anxiously embrace the future God has planned for him.

Thanks again for allowing us to share this first year of parenthood and all of the bumps and blessings along the way.

Love,

Steph, Rich, and Braden

PS...these are pics of today - a good morning Happy Birthday; special dinner with mom & dad; mmmmm chocolate cupcake; all cleaned up & ready for bed!! We're having a family party on Sunday to continue the celebration!

Charity Kick-off

2007-08-13T15:56:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone,
Sorry for the delay in the update, but this family was a bit pooped out from the weekend. What a day...what a weekend! First off, our company started on Thursday when Auntie Marci arrived followed by Cousin Terri, Jay and little Ivan. On Friday, the rest of our company arrived, and we had close to 20 people sleeping at the house....tent in the backyard, camper in the driveway, and miscellaneous bodies strewn all over the house.....we wouldn't have had it any other way!

On Saturday, it finally hit me when I was walking Braden over to the golf course that this was our day....finally here.....to serve a wonderful purpose. It was quite an emotional day as we witnessed a tremendous amount of support from our family, friends, co-workers, and even strangers. God's presence was definitely evident throughout the entire day. We ended up with 144 golfers (sold out) along with an additional 120 dinner guests. WOW! We can't thank those who attended enough for coming to support this beautiful cause. It was defnitely one of the proudest moments of our lives, and we were able to share it with so many people who care about Heart of Gold's mission. We hope to have pictures up soon of the event.

Braden's birthday is this Friday....so hard to believe our baby boy will be reaching this milestone. I may just have to post something on Friday to honor this blessing. I will close this post with my speech from Saturday. I think it's appropriate to repeat as it acts as a reminder of our mission and our gratitude to the amount of support we received this past year.

Love Steph, Rich, and Braden

As most of you know, Braden was born with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, a very rare and serious heart defect where the left ventricle of his heart did not develop. When told the news two days after he was born, it was our worst fears come true. In that one moment, those few seconds it took to explain the underdevelopment of his heart, the pause button was pressed on our lives and for the next few weeks we would be living in a whole new world….. a world full of hope, promise, and healing a special little heart.

Hope is defined as: A wish or desire accompanied by confident expectation of its fulfillment. On the day of Braden’s first open-heart surgery, Rich and I arrived at the hospital quite early to say our good-byes and to kiss his sweet little chest before he was taken to surgery. The Chaplin joined us just shortly after we arrived to lead us in prayer. Just as the special prayer was about to begin, we could see the sun rising and shining right onto his precious little face. It was a peaceful moment – a moment we knew God was telling us he would carefully watch over Braden and keep him protected. Hope was gained and our spirits were renewed with the strength we needed to get through each passing day.

Promise is defined as: an indication of future excellence or achievement. From the moment we found out about Braden’s heart, we accepted that this was the path God chose for Braden and ourselves. I knew that if my Grandma Pat was alive she would tell me, “Tuffy, God chose you and Rich to be the parents of this precious little boy because he knew you would love him, care for him, and fight for him.” We know God has special plans for Braden and we embrace his future, aware there are risks but living each day with hope and optimism by our side.

Healing Hearts:
Braden’s unique heart has lead us on an amazing journey. We have met so many wonderful people who have truly enriched our lives. From the medical staff at Children’s Hospital to all of the wonderful heart families whose paths we have crossed. We have seen the true spirit of friendship, the generous gift of giving, and the tremendous power of prayer. Our determination, optimism, and strength is renewed each day by Braden’s presence. With the help of this charity, our mission is to pass on our strength and courage to other families who walk in our shoes. As we continue our journey in fulfilling our mission, we will remember those who came here today, we will remember those who have lent us a helping hand…as our charity would not be possible without you. So thank you. Thank you for helping us make it possible to instill hope and promise in healing the hearts of these special families.

Zoo Playdate!

2007-08-05T21:00:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone,

--Another week has flown by and it's less than a week away from the fundraiser and only 12 days from Braden's first birthday. It's amazing how fast this year has flown. Planning and organizing this fundraiser has been a great way for Rich and I to absorb as much positive energy as we can into something that has changed our path in life. As we can't imagine Braden being any different than who he is now, we can't see any other way we'd focus our energy than in a positive way. We're so fortunate to have so many people who have supported us and helped us with our charity efforts....we wouldn't be here without you!

--This weekend Braden and mom met up with heart pal, Super Sam, and his mom to have a playdate at the Milwaukee Zoo while dad and Grandpa Harvey worked hard to finish up some last minute house projects. It was fun to see the boys make funny faces at each other and enjoying some of the animals at the zoo. Of course, Braden's a little young to spot some of the smaller and hidden animals, but he loved the elephants:) This also gave Erika and myself a chance to catch up and share stories of the boys and their latest "tricks." We look forward to seeing the Slagers next week at the fundraiser.

--Here are some pics of Braden at the zoo with pal, Sam. The other pic is a classic one of Braden during dinner. I guess he's too cool now for mom to feed him....he'll spit out his food into his hand and re-feed himself. This, of course, leaves a nice little mess to clean up :) His latest new trick is what daddy calls "piggy face 2.0" This is where Braden puts his hand up to his nose to pinch it off and make a snorting sound.....too funny!

--Heart buddy update: Thanks to all of you who have kept our special friends in your prayers. Gabe is home....yeah! No changes with Maddison....I'll keep you posted when they update with any surgery details....for now, she's able to stay home, gain weight and allow her heart to grow. Carter and the Solgos family will also be joining us on Saturday for the golf outing. Also, at this time, we'd like to wish our little pal Evan G. a happy first birthday!

--Our number of golfers along with additional dinner guests keeps increasing....yeah! We might have over 200 people attending our fundraiser....WOW! If you're still interested in golf or dinner, please contact us at heartofgoldcharity@yahoo.com so we can reserve you a spot.

--Enjoy your week and we'll be excited to update next week with all of the fundraiser fun!

Love, Steph, Rich, and Braden

Happy Sunday!

2007-07-29T21:50:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone,

--Once again...another busy week, and I can't believe it's Sunday already as I sit and update the blog. Mr. "B" was a bit under the weather earlier this week....a little virus causing fevers, messy poops, and a different side of "B" we're not used to. We knew when he'd just sit on our laps, chill, and put his head on our shoulder that something wasn't quite right. No need to worry...by Wednesday he was himself again, tearing up the place :) We did bring him to the pediatrician to check out this virus just to be safe, and we found out that Braden now weighs a whopping 25lbs. What? How did that happen? He just weighed 21 last month...Rich and I are shocked! He does love his homemade mac'n' cheese :)

--We had the Stankovich family from MI over for an overnight visit on Thursday/Friday. Sydney and Nick enjoyed playing with Braden, and he got to open his first birthday gift...thanks guys! Braden also got to enjoy his first luau on Saturday at the Braden's (yes "Braden" is a family name - this is where his name originated from).

--It's amazing how everyday I can find something new to share about Braden - he's growing so fast. His latest is saying "moo" when we ask what the cow says. He's trying to say kitty, but just gets a spitty kkk-kkk out. He also tries to say "fish" when Rich shows him the fish in our tanks. He still does the piggy nose and upside down Braden on command. He's definitely Mr. Brave as he climbs and pulls up on everything....daddy's not too happy though when he uses leg hair to help pull himself up to daddy.

--Just two weeks away from our first annual golf outing fundraiser....we're so excited to share this experience with so many people. A big thanks to those who are helping out our charity's cause...we wouldn't be here without you. There is still room for more golfers and dinner guests.

--Heart buddy updates: Gabe is still at CHW trying to rid some excess fluid. It was not a pleural effusion, but with fluid comes the tricky party of getting the right medical "cocktail" to "dry" it up. Please pray that he and his family get to go back home soon. Maddison continues to gain weight in the pleasure of her own home. She goes tomorrow for a check-up and gets to see our card, Dr. Cava. There's still no surgery date. Please continue to keep her in your prayers as well as her parents, for their strength and patience. Also, many of you have asked about Sam and Carter...both are thriving :) Yeah!

--Al's Run update: So, there have been a few people who have joined our team and received some pledges....we've almost met our team goal...how cool is that! Thank you, thank you for your generosity!

--We got a sad letter in the mail on Friday: The cardiac social worker who worked with us and helped us out a lot, especially in the beginning process of what I call the "fuzzy times," is leaving CHW to pursue another career path. We wish her well as she opens this new chapter in her life, but would also like to let her know how much she will be missed. Good luck Krista...we wish you well.

--Thanks for checking in! Until next week....enjoy these pics of Braden outside today!

Love, Steph, Rich and Braden

Al's Run

2007-07-22T11:04:00.001-05:00

Hello everyone,

--Ihope you all enjoyed the beautiful weather this weekend had to offer. If you noticed the blog title, "Al's Run," then you may have a hunch as to what today's blog will be about. If you have ever visited CHW, you may have noticed the nicely matted frames/pictures that adorn the 3rd floor hallways near the PICU. These frames all have one common denominator...they capture and hold many beautiful moments of Milwaukee's longest running tradition, "Al's Run." Throughout its history, the event has raised more than $8.5 million to help Children's Hospital of Wisconsin provide medical care, conduct research to advance pediatric medicine, advocate on behalf of children, and educate medical professionals and the community about issues related to children's health. In 2006, 15,236 participants raised more than $1 million for CHW. After finding out more about this event, I promised myself that I would attempt to run it. That would mean some serious training as my body hasn't hit the pavement running in almost 15 years...yikes! I know that if I have half the determination my son has, I can accomplish this goal. This year marks the 30th anniversary of this run (now called the "Brigg's & Al Run"). It offers a 2 mile walk, 3 mile walk, or 8k run (just short of 5 miles). If you would like to join our team to walk or run in this event on September 15th, please contact Rich or myself at: petska32@yahoo.com I know this is really close to our charity event, so I will only extend the pledge information via blog. If you would like to make a pledge, please feel free to visit our webpage: http://www.firstgiving.com/bradenp
--Now for Braden updates. On Tuesday, Braden turned 11months and took his first road trip alone with mama. We ventured to the U.P. to visit some friends and see Grandpa Greg and band play for the Music in the Park. It was a nice trip, but quick since we headed back home on Thursday. On Saturday, we had another boat adventure with Braden and some friends. Braden did great and even fell asleep a few times.

--Summer is flying by and we've been keeping busy building our bar and working on the charity. Yesterday marked only 3 weeks from our first annual golf outing. Wow, where has the summer gone? We still have lots of room for golf and dinner reservations.

--Kiddo update: Maddison was readmitted into children's this past week, but was again released. They're still not sure when her surgery will be or what kind of heart repair she will have. Gabe was sent home on Thursday, but again admitted today due to fluid build up in the lung area (pleural effusion). Thank you for your continued support and prayer for these families as well as ours.

--Have a great week,

Love the Petska's

Howdy!

2007-07-15T20:03:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone,

--Here are a few pics of Braden beachin' it today for the first time. You could tell who the only non-beach going family was at the beach today as we had the fairest skin of them all :) Braden ventured in the water and did well staying on his blanket - avoiding goose poop and cigarette butts (a little disappointed in the lack of care our local beach gets). Braden had his first sleepover on Saturday, allowing mom & dad a night out with friends. Even though he was only 10 minutes away at Grandma and Grandpa's, it was tough for us to be away from Braden for the first time (excluding hospital stays). I found myself searching for something of his to smell before I went to sleep....I guess that's crazy mom-love for ya!

-- Braden is 11 months on Tuesday...yikes! That means the big 1 yr birthday is right around the corner. I can't even believe it.

--Our guest list is increasing for the golf outing....keep 'em coming :)

Have a great week,

Love, The Petska's

--PS... Kiddo Updates: Gabe's surgery was a success. His recovery is going well. Thank you for keeping him and his family in your prayers. He does have a carepage (carepages.com) if you would like to read their updates. His carepage name is: gabejohnson

AND, get this....Baby Maddison got to home on Friday. What a miracle she has been. Her CHD is not HLHS, so her 1st surgery has been postponed until a later date (unkown at this time). She has a caringbridge site: www.caringbridge.org/visit/maddisonwatson Thank you for keeping this lil' peanut in your prayers as well.